This last year, God completely flipped my world upside-down, shattering everything I thought I knew about myself and even things I thought I knew about Him. God brought me to the end of my rope and asked me if I was ready to grab hold of His. I thought I had already done that, but He began to show me all the ways I had yet to let go of mine... For so long, I saw my identity through labels others had given me and ones I had built into myself; Confident. Independent. Driven. Bold. Outspoken. Stubborn. While all of these can be good qualities to have, they definitely needed an appropriate balance. They became a distinct identity I held on to, to the point that I would not allow the opposite to be true; "Gentle. Vulnerable. Dependent. Cautious. Submissive." Especially when words like vulnerable often carry such negative connotations. I didn't want to ever be associated with words of 'weakness;' or so I thought that is what they were. So, my walls of pride and self-protection continued to grow. Until.... God just knocked down my walls with one fell swoop... The night I let Gabriel go was one of the lowest of lows for me and it was so hard to imagine that I was ever going to recover, let alone get off the floor. The entire contents of my heart was poured completely out until there was literally nothing and no fight left in me - exactly what God needed. He got me to a place where I was truly ready to let go of my own securities and defenses and start allowing Him to mold me in the ways He saw perfection. No more fighting, no more excuses, no more walls; just pure seamless submission. I used to think that when God called me to lay down my life and follow Him, I had done that by leaving my life in the States and moving to Thailand to pursue His will for me here. While I still believe this is where He has called me, I can see that it was not just the physical and emotional sacrifices He was asking of me, but for a life that in every way reflected one of pure submission. But how was I going to submit to someone I barely trusted and vaguely knew?... So, I felt like He was asking two things of me: Seek and Praise. So, following a cliche response for the first time in my life, I decided for 2016 that Seek and Praise was going to be my focus. Only a few weeks into it, I began to see that these weren't just gentle filling words God wanted me to have more of in my life, but rather a complete transformation through a heart transplant. If I was truly going to seek Him, I was going to truly get to know Him. And if I was going to truly get to know Him, it was not only going to change everything I believed about Him, but it was going to change everything I believed about my own identity as well. So, one night God painted me a picture: I was having open-heart surgery. I was feeling nervous, but knew I needed a new heart. With loving gentleness and precision, the Dr. cut me open and took the old heart out. It was covered in holes, bruises, and ash, but He then replaced it with a new perfectly fashioned heart that was radiating. He made sure all the connections were properly secured and that my body was completely sealed. After, it took me awhile to adjust to this new heart/life I had been given as this sense of someone else's legacy and identity was within me... As my body accepted its new heart, I began to look forward to all the possibilities it was going to bring... Don't get me wrong, God created in me a story that needs aspects of confidence, boldness, and independence, but I've begun to accept His invitations to words like Vulnerable. Gentle. Submissive. Affectionate. I have already begun to see many things in which He is preparing me for, and it honestly scares the hell out of me. Not because I don't trust Him, but because I know what He is capable of... So, cheers to a new identity and to seeing how God is going to use it!... “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19 ~Some of you may wonder about the details of my work. Because of its sensitivity, I need to be careful with what I disclose. So, I usually send occasional newsletters sharing some of the things I am involved with. If you would like to receive that as well, please send me an email.~
0 Comments
...So, I cling to hope...
Feeling exhausted by the problems that surround me and the heaviness of my heart, my prayers began to feel desperate, wearisome, and ultimately empty. Not knowing what to do or even what to pray, I wanted to return to a place of joy once again and feel God's presence close, giving me a shout of praise rather than a cry of desperation. Although feeling wearisome, God still knew my heart and He answered my cry through an amazing man that lead me back to His Truth: If God stopped answering prayers, would you still pray?... Do we just pray for answers and only find joy when we receive answers to those prayers? If so, we are missing the true joy God is giving to us through prayer. Yes, answered prayers inspire celebration. And yes, there are battles raging and heavy hearts from this broken world that require considerable amounts of prayer, but they should never diminish the joy of praying. "Them will I bring to My Holy mountain, and make them joyful in My house of prayer." Isaiah 56:7 "Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24 In Psalms 2, we are also given a prophetic glimpse of the coming Messiah and His death on the cross and the Father's response towards the schemes of the enemy. He laughs. A pure expression of prefect joy as He was certain of the victory that was coming. Although the greatest pain we could ever imagine was about to occur, it was the Son's most glorious triumph as the veil between God and His bride was torn. I am always so thankful when God gently brings me back to the foot of the cross... When we are Christians for a while, the significance of the cross can often seem watered down; it is then that we need to be reminded. Take yourself to that dark day... An eternity of sin entered into Jesus in one moment and God turned His face from His very own Son as He struck him down with an eternal judgement. And at that exact moment, God ripped the veil in two that separated us from His presence. It was the ultimate invitation to draw near to Him in the Throne room of grace. And although He is abounding in mercy and grace and wants for us to easily commune with Him, we should never forget that we are nonetheless still approaching a Throne. Imagine, If you had 30 minutes in the Throne room of Heaven with God, do you think that you would enter into His mighty glorious presence with a list of problems and requests?.. Or do you think you would be so captured by His glory and majesty that it would leave you awestruck and humbled to a place of Praise?... So, prayer is not for our requests, but about our responses. If our requests ever weigh heavier than our admiration of God's glory, we have missed it. The core of joy in prayer doesn't come from answered prayers (although still something to be celebrated), but simply comes from our enjoyment of God Himself. And we learn how to enjoy Him when we make time to draw near to His presence and admire Him. After all, God is worthy of ALL of our praise! If, like Jesus, we are certain of the victory and triumph over the enemy we will have, would it change the way we see our struggles and would it change the way we approach Him in the Throne room?... This very question has truly tested me as I stand in the darkness and storms that rage around me. For weeks, I continually said, "Even when it doesn't make any sense and hurts like hell, still I will praise You" as He reminded me of John 16:33, "I have told you these things so that you may have peace in Me. In this life, you will have troubles, but take heart, for I have overcome the world." Coming from a place of great pain and grief, it was hard for me to see God's victory in it. However, God continued to invite me into His presence and allowed me to see His glory, especially in my journey with Gabriel. God wrote the script and He already knows the victory. And He asked me to walk in faith being certain of His glorious triumph. So, the more I began to approach Him in awe and praise, the more my weary heart was reassured with hope and peace once again. *** As the Christmas season approached, my heart was also heavy with not seeing my family again for the 3rd Christmas in a row. Almost anyone who knows me, knows my slight 'obsession' with Christmas. It's true; and I should probably be ashamed of it, but I'm not (Ha!). It has never been about the presents to me or even the ridiculous amounts of food; although, I would never say no to peanut butter M&Ms... But rather, it has always been a time that unfailingly brought me so much peace, joy, and hope. As a kid, it was my little glimmer of hope in the distance, that even though the world was in disarray and there were problems galore surrounding me, it was the one time of year the world (at least my little world) put their differences aside and came together, reminding me it was going to be alright. So, I guess the glimmer of hope and the excitement of Christmas never left me, believing it to be true. Since God brought me to Thailand, where the glittery Christmas festivities are not thrown in your face everywhere you go, He has revealed more of where my giddy little Christmas joy comes from... We hear the Christmas story every year, but how often do we lose sight of why Jesus really came? He came in order to tare the veil that separated us from the Father and to bring us the hope of salvation. Jesus didn't come to earth with loud trumpets through the royal priesthood of the land, He came in the midst of the disarray through a common humble virgin and was born quietly in a manger. He came bringing joy that He was going to take away our sins and restore our relationship with the Father. He came bringing peace by giving us the gift of the Holy Spirit. And He came bringing hope that He was going to defeat the enemy and give us victory! In the midst of disarray, He said "Do not fear, for I am with you!"/"Take heart, for I have overcome!" This would have not been true had Jesus never come! So, I sat there gazing at my Christmas tree filled with warm fuzzy feelings of peace, joy, and hope as I was reminded that although this world is in disarray, problems galore are surrounding me, and darkness is pressing in, Jesus came to give us hope that not only is He with us through it all, but that He will lead us to Victory! So, take heart and do not fear... it's going to be alright. After all, we have "tidings of GREAT JOY that are for all people!" So, amidst the struggles, pain, and unknown, I will continue to stand in awe of You and find Hope in Your victorious laughter... Even when the fight seems lost, I'll praise You. Even when it hurts like hell, I'll praise You. Even when it makes no sense to sing, louder then I'll sing Your praise!... ~ Hillsong United "Even When It Hurts" ***** She asked me to close my eyes and think of a perfect place, full of hope and peace... The wind was gently blowing through my hair, the crisp air was filling my lungs, and the waves were kissing my feet as I held Gabriel's little hand in mine. He was smiling. I was smiling. And together we watched the sun creasing over the horizon, painting a breathtaking masterpiece in the sky. He then looked up at me with such a sincere gaze and said, "It's gonna be OK, mommy." An immense sense of joy and peace overwhelmed me and nothing but stillness in awe before the Lord remained. He was right... "It's going to be OK..." I spent these last three weeks pondering how I would put words to this overwhelming pain and brokenness I am experiencing and the ways God is teaching me through it, but it never boiled down to a gift-wrapped response with a ribbon-tied bow at the end... In fact, Sadness. Anger. Frustration. Emptiness. ....yea, that's the only pot of soup that has been boiling... After I dropped Gabriel off at his new 'home,' I could barely make it to the car without crying, and was only able to drive a few kilometers before I completely lost it and needed to pull over to the side of the road. The world around me was racing, yet my world had stopped dead in its tracks. The void I felt was more immense then anything I could ever describe. Grief so deep that my chest was actually in physical pain, like someone had literally ripped my heart out and walked away with it. Someone had just taken my son from me... and there I sat, helpless. Never having been someone who deals with loss or deep sadness well, I didn't know what I was going to do in this situation. The whole two weeks leading up to that moment of letting Gabriel go, I had been 'preparing' myself, but let's be honest, no one can ever 'prepare' themselves for something like that. The moment I was dreading for so long had officially come... Now what?? I hadn't even taken as much as a minute to think about the moments after... But there I was, trapped in reality. Do I call someone? Do I drive home? Do I drive somewhere? Do I just start running? Do I just sit there forever? Before my head and heart had a moment to consult each other, something just switched inside of me and instantaneously the numbness swept over me. Although evidence of great sorrow streaked across my face, the tears had ceased, the pain had vanished, and the nothingness emerged like a thick brick wall. So, I drove. And drove. The weeks following were a blur. HOS having just moved locations with a total new ministry model and my boss on vacation for two weeks leaving me to carry the load, it's easy to say, I was in over my head. Feeling like I needed to "hang on just a little bit longer" and "keep it together" until Apple got back, I put my 'grief session' on hold. But, just like any dam exceeding their water limit, the wall will eventually burst... Not surprisingly, I had reached my breaking point and the honesty begun to pour out... I was SO angry with God! I was familiar with anger before in my life, perhaps more than I would like to remember. However, this was an anger like none I had ever experienced before... I am not angry at who God is or even His sovereignty in the matter, but simply that He would allow me to have a mother's heart for Gabriel, for him to be my son, and then take him away for me. SO much anger!... Just like with someone you love; you may be angry, frustrated, and even disappointed with them, but you still love them. So, don't get me wrong - I still love God, still believe in the work He is doing, and sincerely want Him to be glorified in the darkness; however, I am very angry with Him. But it's ok. More so than anybody, He understands my pain, He understands my anger, yet His love for me never changes and draws closer to me as we walk through the valley of darkness together. I debated if I would even write this, but felt like someone out there needed to know that they are not alone in this darkness and that there are others experiencing the hurt they are feeling. So, pellucid I shall be... The other night, as I hit my breaking point, I found my crying face buried in the pillow, beating my fists into the mattress as if it were God's chest, and as if it were actually going to accomplish something. It didn't take long though before my beating fists turned into exhausted hits and then total collapse... WHY GOD?!?! I AM SO ANGRY WITH YOU!! GOD, PLEASE!! I don't want to hurt like this! I don't want to walk down this road! It feels like more than I can handle! Please, take this cup from me! Don't make me go through this! Why would you give me a son and this desire and then take him from me?!? Do you really think I'm this strong to give me what I'm going through? God, this pain stings so bad that I can't even fathom how you are going to use this in amazing ways. As far as I can see right now, it all SUCKS!! God, whatever you do, whatever plans you have, please protect Gabriel's little heart. Go before him. Be close to him. Let him know Your love. And selfishly, God, let him know how much I love him. I really don't know what you want from me! I AM SO ANGRY WITH YOU!! I don't understand! I want to, I really do, but I just don't right now! God, please reveal to me the fruit of this pain and don't keep the 'Promise Land' from me because I don't know why you have called me to this road and why I have to walk through this valley of darkness! Please don't ask me to do this! Please just take this cup from me! **God then allowed me to see the picture of Jesus weeping in the garden of Gethsemane and pleading with the Father before He was going to be put to death. Lord, I want to be able to say "Not my will, but Yours, be done," but I am not sure I can, especially knowing what I am agreeing to... I want to be able to trust You and be ok with whatever plans you have for me, even if it brings me incredible pain like this, but I know what I would then be saying yes to and that scares the hell out of me! I'm so scared of the places you are calling me to Lord and what you are asking of me. I know I need to be ok with this place of brokenness you have brought me to as you have asked me to lose my life, to lay it ALL down (my desires, passions, securities, selfishness, etc.), so that I might be wholly and completely found in You and to be able to confidently follow You in deep intimacy. But I don't know if I can walk down this road You are calling me to. If losing my life and following You is saying yes to more pain like this, I really don't know if I can... **Feeling God press even closer... But I guess I need to trust You and know You have a far bigger plan than I will ever be able to see or comprehend. I need to trust in Your Sovereignty and remember that this life that I am clenching onto so deeply to is not the focus, but rather You and Your glory alone. But God, I am going to need You to give me Your heart as mine seems to be shattered beyond repair right now. So, I literally need you to carry me and fill me with your Truth and peace because I don't even know how I am going to take my next step... Lord, fill me with Your hope. So, as I am in this very dark valley that feels full of despair, I hang on to that glimmering hope in the distance that God has an incredible plan that I can barely fathom and the amount of joy He is going to bring through this is more than I will ever understand. So, if I am going to be dragged through this mud, I would at least hope it is not in vein and is at least writing a beautiful chapter in His book, "To God be the Glory." I know that I am so far from being perfect, know that I might be in this mess of grieving for a while, and have a whole lot to learn in the meantime; but hopefully along the way, God somehow receives Glory in all of it.... So, I cling to Hope. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me" Psalm 23:4
"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 1:6-7 "I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:12-13 “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours, be done.” Luke 22:42 |
Archives:
March 2016
Support:If you would like to financially support the work that I am doing, you can go online and give at: Links:Family Connection Foundation:
http://www.thaiconnections.org/ Home of the Swallow: http://www.thaiconnections.org/fcf/home-of-the-swallow Cord Ministries International: http://cordmin.com/wp/ |