Many of you that know me, will know my complete loathing of feet... Don't touch me with your feet, don't touch mine, and I won't touch yours. So, I knew Thailand was going to be a great fit for me as a place who finds feet just as revolting and disrespectful as me. ;) So, you will understand my thorough disbelief when a few months ago something was pressed upon my heart: I want you to wash their feet. I'm sorry, You want me to do what?? Touch feet?? You've got to be joking me!!
Little did I know what God was preparing and what He wanted to do in me... When this first came up, a dread was stirring inside of me. It had to have been a joke, or at least someone else's thought, because it was definitely not my own; that's for sure! I joked about it with a friend and pushed it off as if it were some crazy thing I would never do in my life ~ like pack up my life and move to the other side of the world by myself when I was 22 ~ (you can see where I'm going with this, can't you)... The thing I have come to love (and often dread) about God, is His persistence in my life. He knows my stubbornness. And even more so, He knows His ways through my obstacles. Over the next several weeks, the struggles were raging throughout Home of the Swallow. *Wash their feet* Problems arising left and right *Wash their feet* emotions running wild *Wash their feet* and the weight pressing in *Wash their feet*... I couldn't get it off my mind and knew this was something I needed to do. I didn't know how on earth it was going to happen, but I proceeded forward with obedience. As I had finally given in, God began to do a work in me. I started to see the girls and staff in such a unique and beautiful way. It is hard to express it in words, but the best way to describe it, was that He was giving me a glimpse into His heart and was allowing me to see everyone as He did... No positions/relationships, not what they had been through, and not even the struggles they were currently going through, but simply how overwhelmingly loved they are and how precious each one of them is to Him. Isn't it true that life often scars us, tells us who we (or others) are, what mold we fit, and how we are to live because of it? We have personality tests, intelligence tests, career assessments, spiritual strength quizzes, horoscopes, Buzzfeed surveys to find out what color or pizza topping you are (don't even get me started...). Yet how often do we shut off the world around and look to who God says we are? So, God sent me on a renewing journey... *Adopted - God CHOSE us! (Ephesians 1:5/11) *Full of Christ - all power and authority He has given to us! (Colossians 2:9-10) *FREE! (Romans 6:6) *Image of God - Perfect! (Genesis 1:27) *Unique & valuable! (Jeremiah 1:5) *Wise (1 Corinthians 1:30) *Body of Christ - Purpose! (1 Corinthians 12:27) *Light (Ephesians 5:8) *Holy (Colossians 1:2) *Worthy - bough with a special price! (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) So, I began to pray over the women and staff, that their hearts would be open to whatever God wanted to reveal to them. I also began to pray that God would speak through me and would give me the strength i needed to push past my insecurities. I spent the morning preparing the room - soft Christmas lights, flowers, scented candles, and worship music - in hopes that they would see how special and worthy they were to receive what He was offering. I purposely chose not to tell them what I was doing, as many of them would have either washed their own feet first, or wouldn't have allowed me to altogether. I brought each woman in one at a time and read a paraphrase (in Thai) of John 13 - when Jesus washes His disciples feet. Now, there are many good things that I could have pulled from this story, but the biggest thing I felt God wanted me to share with them was that Jesus, the most worthy King of all, took the place of the lowest of servants so that He could show His disciples how much He loved them. It didn't matter what they had done, their lack of faith, the struggles they were facing, or even their future sins, God loved them more than they could have ever imagine. I had the soft worship music playing in the background and I began to wash their feet. All I can say, is that I had an out of body experience as it did not feel like me washing their feet! His presence was powerful and the love was overwhelming! About this point with every girl, I could tell God was stirring in them as the tears rolled down their face. He continued to give me words for each girl, letting them know what He saw in them and the beautiful mountain tops He was taking them to. I then asked if there was anything they wanted to surrender to God, in which I spent some time in prayer with them, inviting God to fill their holes, heal their scares, and awaken them with a renewed hope in Him. Praying for them is always a great joy to me! So, when God asks you to do something and you walk it out in obedience, He will not only show up, but will leave you standing speechless. I know that the girls left impacted that night by what they had experienced, but I never expected to be so changed in return! I am still not a fan of feet, but one thing is for sure; He's put a new picture in my heart that I will never forget!...
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As I sit to write these words, my thoughts and emotions run wild... Most of the time I don't even know who is reading my posts, which can be quite intimidating... But here I am, exposing my life to an anonymous audience with no response. I suppose that should be a freeing thing, but it's hard to convince myself of that. Many people want to know about the work that I am doing and hear about the lives of those I work with; however, I am torn. I often want to share about the struggles and joys of my 'job,' yet I don't believe it is my story to tell... I often find myself in their shoes wondering what it would feel like if people were telling my story for me, taking pictures of me and sending them to people I don't even know, and being judged or pitied as someone who needs a lot of help. So I've decided to do just that: telling a piece of my story to people I don't even know to potentially be judged as someone who needs a lot of help.... --- If everything falls apart and the darkness cries out, is God still good?... These last few months I have been wrestling with this very question. On a daily basis, I am flooded with information about issues, disappointing decisions being made, the hurt in people's lives, the struggles they are facing, the frustration of mankind... and I often lay in bed at night wondering how it all went so wrong and why we put ourselves in these situations! I then look at my life, and admit I am no better. Though my struggles may not be casted outwardly, the battle rages within. I've wrestled with an internal strength, or defense rather (let's just call it pride), where I find myself saying, "Keep it together Shay. If you break down now, who is going to pick up the pieces? Everyone has enough of their own junk going on, don't burden them with yours. You're all you've got here. Stay strong." In the process, I have not only pushed people away, but have not allowed the One who knows me completely to be with me in the brokenness. I felt God drawing me closer, holding me, even repeatedly telling me that He loves me... but this wall I had built was presenting to be a challenge. I even asked a few close friends to pray that I would cry. This may sound weird, but anyone that knows me, will know that tears don't come easily (or often), and are almost never in front of others. Months passed, no tears... Then the storm closed in... I could go into great detail of all the waves that were crashing up against my boat, but instead I'll focus on one. It was an extremely emotionally taxing day and right when I felt like tossing in the towel, I was handed a screaming baby. Little did I know, God wanted to show me something. Her mom needed to go to the Dr. and couldn't take her with, so she was given to me to take care of. In that moment, it didn't matter that she knew me, or that she knew that I was safe, or that I loved her and wanted the best for her, or that I would take care of her no matter what; her heart was set on her mom and I was the last thing she wanted. After an hour of crying, I began to think "Oh, honey! If you would just give in to me and let me comfort you, life would be much easier." It was in that moment that God invited me to see a glimpse of His heart... Father, this is me isn't it?... Even though I know You and know that You love me and that I am safe in Your arms, I push You away and fight You when You should be the One I turn to. You hold my screaming heart and whisper, "Oh, beloved... If you would just give in to me and let me be your everything, your heart would find rest"... So broken, yet so filled with love, I began to sing praise songs as I held her and rocked her to sleep. I was standing alone in a room, holding this precious sleeping child, and I began to cry... God was holding me close, showing me I don't always have to be so strong. My wall came crashing down and I was giving in to His love for me, experiencing the beauty of my tears... The storm was raging around me, yet all my heart could to do was praise Him. I cannot fully describe it, but that moment with God is one I will truly never forget. I found myself repeating: Faithful You have been and faithful you will be You pledge yourself to me and it’s why I sing Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips If everything falls apart and the darkness cries out, Your praise will forever be on my lips for You are SO good!...
...I hear my English is getting badder... So my Thai must be getting gooder!...
(Part 2) While I was sick and not able to get out of bed, I listened to hours of sermons from a church back in the States. I have known the pastor and his wife there for quite some time now and I am so blessed and thankful for their influence in my life. In one of his sermons, he talked about me and read an excerpt from my blog about when I first came to Thailand. It became such a defining moment for me. Nothing like God using your own words to speak to you… He was reminding me of the vision He once gave me and the wild fire He has placed in my heart. It was like in that moment He was blowing on my dwindled embers and reigniting the reckless fire within... "So, allow me to dream big for a second: I want lost souls to find Him; I want evil-doers to turn from their ways and be warriors for His cause; I want women and children to no longer live in fear, but find restoration in His arms; I want a new wave of hope to sweep across Thailand and all the surrounding nations; I want an undeniable joy to fill the hearts of the broken and hurting; I want us to be a people of love that is a catalyst for undeniable impact!... This may seem like a big dream, but I serve a BIG God who is more than capable! My prayer would be that we are all willing to see His big dreams outside our box and step out in faith to bring them to fullness. And I cannot wait to see this masterpiece unfold!" Sometimes BIG things start off SMALL... We often want to be the ones gathering the harvest, after all, what an exciting time to see the fruits of our labor and know your efforts have not been in vain. However, we forget that without planting the seeds and watering the small sprouts daily, there would never be a harvest to begin with! I have found that much of my work here is about planting the seeds and watering the sprouts and that it can be quite discouraging when you have just finished preparing the soil with the seeds, when a huge wind storm blows through your field and tears all the seeds out... A girl receiving help returns to the bars, a girl making great progress is persuaded into going back to her abusive boyfriend, a girl receives pressure from her family and ends up selling her child to pay off their debt... "Lord, why am I doing this?? Is my little light even being seen in this darkness??" I look at the devastated field with disappointment... but God then directs my attention to the many seeds that survived the storm... I am thankful that He has been reminding me of the work He is doing and that He is not done yet. It has given me great hope and encouragement in being able to see a small part of the harvest. So, let me give you some snapshots of these beautiful moments...
*We have a mom at HOS who used to be in our program, but ran back to the bars. She ended up getting pregnant a second time and asked to come back to HOS. With love, we welcomed her back. She didn't want to keep her baby and even contemplated abortion at one point. After much counseling, she decided to at least go through with adoption. However, through MUCH prayer, love, counseling, and support, the day after her son was born she decided to keep him and raise him herself. It was such a celebratory moment! What makes this story even more powerful was that she had no paperwork (she had no ID card and didn't even know when she was born) so she could not receive government support for her hospital bills. It ended up costing around $1,300 USD, which might not seem like much, but for a poor Thai this is about 6 months of salary... Through much prayer, not only did an organization from the hospital pay her bill, but they helped her get the right paperwork (another $550 USD) so she could have an ID card and so that her son could have the right certificates/documents as well! Praise God!!
The stories of all the things God is doing could be quite extensive, so for the sake of time, I'll leave on this note: My lack of words and sickness has been a blessing in disguise in that I have had to rely so much more on His words and Him moving through me. It has drawn me closer to listening for His Words, given me a deep yearning to be present with Him, and a new desire to move when and where He leads. I am so thankful for the ways He is planting seeds despite my weaknesses and I am looking forward to the harvest... ~Current jam sesh: Jeremy Camp “Reign in me”~ After being silent for almost three months, it's hard to fill that time with words... I have found myself speechless on many fronts; and not in an awe-inspiring kind of way, but rather in an overwhelming silence where I find words to be insufficient... -- So, hold tight with me as I try to spit it out.-- The last time you heard from me, I celebrated my one year anniversary and was in the middle of housesitting. This was a great time of blessing as I did not have to pay rent for 6 months and was able to bless people in other ways. It was amazing to see God providing for people as He always does for me, and I loved that He allowed me to be a part of it. Three of those months, I housesat with my roommate and good friend, Lana. She had many guests from back home come and stay with us and it was a great time to meet new people, encourage one another, and share a bit of our lives together. Needless to say, there was never a dull moment! In the middle of all the rush, my family for a late Birthday/early Christmas gift, gave life to a childhood dream of mine to go to Australia!! I had such an incredible time! I was able to stay with some amazing "mates," who have become like family to me. They were such phenomenal hosts and tour guides, giving me a glimpse of their Aussie life, a taste of Aussie cuisine, and a snapshot of all the beautiful sights AUS has to offer. I'm not gonna lie, I wouldn't totally be opposed to living there someday... ;) I was also able to speak at an event on behalf of HOS to raise awareness/support for the work we are doing in the lives of our girls. It was so great to be able to share about our ministry and to know that people all over the world (regardless of their beliefs) want to come along side of us and help make a difference! It was also a refreshing time for me to take a break from work, relax, reconnect with friends, explore another slice of God’s majestic creation, and to come back rejuvenated! Thank you Lord! After being separated from my family in Chiang Mai for 2 weeks, I was glad to be 'home.' However, no time for adjusting as Lana and I had to find a house before our housesitting days were up. What we thought was going to be a long and grueling process, ended up being a quick and exciting discovery of a humble little abode in a Thai neighborhood that fit our criteria. The house was a bit of a 'fixer upper,' but we loved it! It is also in a great location for us, as it is close to both of our ministries, church, and nearby markets. Our landlord is such a sweet woman and has given us permission to do whatever we would like with the house to fix it up. Her 81-year-old mother in-law (we call her Grandma), who lives kiddy-corner from us, keeps an eye on us and has been taking good care of us - making sure we water our dying plants, reminding us to take the trash out every Thursday, taking us to get gas for our stove, etc. She is a little firecracker and we love her. Also, with the rent being cheaper than we budgeted for, we have had some extra money to not only put into repairs/painting, but to be able to invest in our community in different ways. We have seen God's hand in this process and we are very grateful! And for the first time since being in Thailand, I feel settled and at home! It's definitely a refreshing feeling. We are excited for this to be a place full of joy, refuge, rest, encouragement, and can be used to bless many! Oh, I forgot to mention that 3 days after we moved into our house, my parents came to visit me for two weeks!!! Don't worry, we at least had a mattress for them to sleep on. ;) It was such a blessing to have them experience a piece of my world here - my work, my family, my friends, my house, my community, my home... It was definitely a different dynamic (as they were dependent on me, HA!), but it was nice to know some things never change. :) Lots of jokes - laughter, blessings, jokes - more laughter, encouragement, oh, and some more jokes and laughter. ;) I cherished every moment of it! Of course I took them to go do touristy thing ~ a great excuse for me to do them as well. ;) Looking back, it was hard to have a piece of home so close and for it to be taken away so quickly..., but I am extremely grateful they were able to come and for the lasting memories we will share! <3 A week after my parents left, I headed south to Bangkok to see my friend Natalie for a few days!! It's crazy we live in the same country, yet it has taken us almost a year to get together. It was SO great and refreshing to get to see her and experience a piece of her life (and not to mention a spontaneous day trip to the beach!). Same country, yet two totally different worlds!... Her roommate and community were so accepting and loving towards me that it continues to remind me, there truly is family and community wherever you open your heart. All of this ^ ^ ^ taking place while trying to keep up with work, communicating with people overseas, and my own personal/social life... It's no wonder my body finally said enough is enough and decided to shut down on me. For the past two weeks, I have been pretty sick... For about a week I tried to 'suck it up' and fight through it.... BAD idea! - Will I ever learn?! I have now found myself stuck in bed for the last few days. The first day I was rather annoyed, but I have come to see it as quite a blessing... Allow me to explain,
I'll admit, with SO many things vying for my attention, God has not been my priority. I can sit here and make hundreds of excuses as to why, but all of them fall short and don't align with the Truth He has already given to me. I have tried to be so 'present' in all that I am doing, yet I've neglected the One that I should be ever-present with. I feel Him beckoning me, but I have allowed the chaos to pull me away. He gave me a dream one night: A young princess enters a ball with the attention of the whole room. Her eyes wandered the room until they found her Father's, where her heart was elated. She was looking forward to dancing with Him... but before she had a chance, all the young men were asking her to dance. With a caring heart and burdened by pressures, she obliges. Hours pass, as she is greeted by more invitations. With a weary and longing heart, her eyes find her Father's in the distance... His eyes say it all, "I love you, and I will wait ALL night if I have to..." *Sigh* He loves me so deeply and is so patient with me... I wish it wouldn't take me crippling sicknesses to slow me down and to curl up into my Father's arms. It is so easy to be swept away by all the needs here and to be burdened by all the expectations that people have, but nothing comes close to the importance of my time with the One who gives me Life. Matthew 16:26 comes to mind, "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?.." How often I can find myself doing things for God, yet they supersede my time with God. This passage has hit me; that no matter how 'noble' or 'Godly' the things I chase are, if they are void of God and my life is not filled with Him, it will be of no value. I am so thankful that during this time He has been working in me; and in spite of anything I have done, He is working through me. It has been a great time of reflection to look back and see all that He has done... (Blog - Part B coming soon. Hopefully..) Well, it has officially been a year since I got on a jet plane, left the only homeland I've ever known, and arrived in this foreign country called Thailand. It has been a roller coaster of a year filled with wonder, transitions, many struggles, joy, blessings, and lots of love. I am so grateful for the experiences and the people that God has brought into my life. I have been asked several times, "What has been your favorite and hardest thing about this last year?" But I find myself not being able to answer this question in just a few short sentences, because an elapsed time video plays through my head of all that has happened. {*Video hopefully coming soon - stay tuned.} I wish my heart could paint the picture for you, but instead, I'll try to use some words: Stepping outside of my normality, I love not only getting to see how others live their lives, but that I get to be a part of it and begin to understand why they live the way they do. For example, much of the culture here is day by day; you go to the market and buy the ingredients or food you need for that day's meal(s), you make yourself available for the current tasks at hand, you give the people present in your life your attention, and you don't worry about tomorrow until it comes around. This can take some getting used to, especially when you come from a world of schedules and 'preparedness,' but it has been a quality of Thai culture that I truly value. The here and now becomes your focus and the people present in your life become the priority. It's a great reminder of Matthew 6:25-34 and how we should not be worrying about tomorrow, for today is already enough. Eating "Family Style!" You have your own plate of rice, but share the main dishes with those around you. You may be thinking that's a germ playground, and you may be right; however, it creates an amazing new atmosphere around eating and 'communing' together. You lose sight of possessions and cultivate an attitude of sharing. You have to eat anyway, so you might as well make it a joyous occasion, right? Speaking of which, Thai culture is all about eating! So much so that when they greet you, they will ask if you have eaten before they even ask you how you are doing. No matter how poor or what the occasion may be, you can be sure that food will be a part of the festivities. When you go to someone's house, it is usually customary to bring some kind of food to share, and if you have something to eat, it is polite to offer it. So don't worry mom, I'll never starve here, but I may be overweight the next time you see me... ;) Going off this same concept, Thailand is one of the most hospitable places I've been to thus far. Sure there may be some Buddhist beliefs tied into the reasons, but nonetheless, it has given me "a run for my money." Always offering water to guests when they come in, making sure they have eaten, letting you go in front of them in traffic (usually), offering to help you in any way possible - just to name a few. I even have to be careful at times to not say I like something or they may give it to me!... When it comes to making Thai life my normal, it comes with a fair share of struggles. The number one thing would definitely be missing family and loved ones... When you're on the other side of the world, it's easy to feel forgotten or that you're missing out on all of the amazing moments taking place in people's lives. Or even all of the amazing moments taking place here that you wish your loved ones were able to experience with you. If "home is where the heart is," I must have more than one 'home'... Another big struggle has been trying to let go of the stress/control of money. To already be in a place of such vulnerability (living in foreign systems/infrastructure) and then to have no way to tangibly provide for yourself... it's not the easiest cup of tea to sip. God has been ever faithful and has never given me a reason to not trust Him, but it's crazy how slyly doubt can sneak in when enough people around you are stressing about their own financial crunch. The last thing I'll mention (that not many people are willing to admit) is, to not feel guilty for having fun or for taking breaks/retreats when needed. Like that moment when you want to share a really cool experience with people back 'home,' but you feel guilty for having fun or wonder how people are going to judge you 'for not doing real missionary work'... Life overseas can become a 24/7 job if you aren't careful to set boundaries. There are ALWAYS needs, and if you feel like you can't stop or rest until those needs are met, weeellll.... you might as well not sleep for the rest of your life. I have found life here to be naturally more exhausting, especially when I don't take the time to have a Sabbath, recharge with God, and get away from time to time. Many long term missionaries have told me that if I see myself in it for the "long-haul" and I don't want to "burn-out," it's important to take breaks (even a vacation) and to not feel guilty about it... working on it... So, I guess if I had to summarize this last year into two sentences, it would be: I have loved making another culture/country my 'home' and my 'normal.' It has been far from perfect or even glamorous, but every tear, frustration, and challenge has been so worth it! On a less serious note, as I have pondered this last year, there have been a few things that have stood out to me in my 'home' transition: - I used to be amazed at how many food carts lined the streets, but now I can't imagine my life here without being able to get food while walking down the street. - I used to laugh at the fact that you pay all of your bills at 7-11 (I'm not joking) and that you could find 10 of them within a 5 mile stretch, but now I often think "where is a 7-11 when you need one?! Why are there not more of them??" - I used to wonder why there were so many motorbikes everywhere, until I filled my car with gas ($!!), tried to park somewhere, and was stuck in traffic for 30 minutes only to have moved 500 yards... I get it now! - I used to be stoked that so many things were inexpensive (like a meal only costing $1.00-2.00), but now, if a shirt costs more than $8.00... forget it! - I used to be hesitant if there were bugs in my food, but now, eh. Just mix them on in. Extra 'protein' right?... Thailand has gone from a foreign land to a place I now call "home." These last two months, Home of the Swallow has had many volunteers come and help our women and children in many ways: trauma healing classes, HIV awareness and training, health check-ups, learning about inner beauty, Bible studies, etc. It has been a great time of encouragement and growth for the women and I am looking forward to see how God is going to continue to shape their lives. I joined a Photo Club and have been having a blast learning more about photography and how to use my camera, all while exploring this beautiful country I live in! :D Looking forward to the journey ahead...
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May 2015
Support:If you would like to financially support me or HOS, you can go online and give:
https://www.egsnetwork.com/gift/gift.php?giftid=535530DBD93C42E OR, you can send a check (with Shannon Halloran on the memo line) to: CORD Ministries International P.O. Box 102 Wheaton, IL 60187-0102 * All Tax deductible gift* Questions: Director of CORD Ministries Michael Ullrich (303)-994-4754 [email protected] Links:Family Connection Foundation:
http://www.thaiconnections.org/ Home of the Swallow: http://www.thaiconnections.org/fcf/home-of-the-swallow Cord Ministries International: http://cordmin.com/wp/ |