When you feel smashed to pieces and there doesn't seem like a reason to put them back together, what are you suppose to do?... Just ruminate over the pieces laying before you and appreciate them in their state of brokenness?...
I've always been someone that loves challenges, grows the most in trials, and can't stand the mundane. I never thought I would be desperate for more of the opposite in my life... Consistency, familiarity, normalcy? Yea, it has a peaceful ring to it. Like being out at sea for months on end, tossed by the crashing waves day after day, keeping the hope that one day you'll finally put your feet on solid ground... Perhaps a bit dramatic, or too many vague illustrations to try and encapsulate my heart, but fitting. Ok wind back a few months: After discovering the family I had hoped would foster/adopt Gabriel did not feel the same, I began to pursue legal advice to figure out what was the best case scenario for him and his future. I was OVERWHELMED with more possibilities, options, advice, and opinions than I knew what to do with. It did however, open my eyes to know just how broken this whole system really is. Very frustrating. I had been talking with FCF (our overseeing organization) as well as other lawyers, social workers, and friends with common experiences about the best options for Gabriel. Without getting into too many of the details, the best chance of him receiving citizenship would be for his name to be registered through the gov system (the orphanage) and for him to be under the care of Thai nationals. However, the best chance of this happening is for Gabriel's birth-mom to sign adoption papers, 'officially' giving him up. At one point, we discussed if we should just 'lose' Gabriel's birth certificate or not, as he would immediately be given Thai citizenship as an 'abandoned/unidentified child' without it... We decided not to though, trusting that God has a plan in all of this. By a total God-thing, Gabriel's birth-mom actually called us two days later for advice. The hospital that is paying for her HIV medicine will stop the funding in December, where she will then need to pay for it on her own (about $100/month). With no way to cover these costs and with her health already rapidly decreasing, she knows her days are limited... Even with all of the history we have had, I was so broken hearted to hear this. My prayer for her is that she would come to know the love of our Father and His unexplainable forgiveness and grace before it's too late. We then used this as a time to love and encourage her, but to also ask if she would officially sign Gabriel away for adoption. She agreed!... I was quite shocked! Two days later the social worker met up with us, his birth-mom signed the papers, and she told me she would let me know when the paperwork would be finalized for him to go to BSR. She could not tell me how long this would take, (everyone assumed it was going to be months) as these kinds of processes are never a quick walk in the park. However, I could already feel the day was fast approaching... Not knowing how long he was going to be with me was very difficult for many reasons, but mostly just not knowing how many more precious days I was going to be able to hold him in my arms was hard enough ... So, I began to taking him to BSR during the day to adjust to his new home. BSR is a great Thai Christian ministry and they are quite dear to me. They were actually the first ministry that softened my heart for Thailand when I was here 6 years ago. They take good care of young orphans like Gabriel and try to find loving Thai families for them by getting all the necessary paperwork in place in order for them to be adopted. The good thing about him going there is that he will be in better standing with the gov/paperwork by being registered with Thais rather than foreigners, will continue to be immersed in the Thai culture, will be able to learn Thai and English, have a big family of people who love him, have brothers and sisters to grow up with, and have advocates to fight for him to have the best future possible. And, the best thing for me is that I will be able to remain in his life and see him often, which I am very thankful for. I trust this ministry and the wonderful godly women that run it, but I still felt that lump in my throat knowing it was going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do... So, I cherished every moment I had with him and loved the crap out of him, knowing it could be any day. And to everyone's surprise, the paperwork was finished within 2 weeks and I was told two weeks after that that he would be going to BSR!... I was happy to hear that the paperwork had actually gone through, but could feel the overwhelming sting of the pain. It is hard to say what the future holds, but I know I will need God's help to bring me to a place of surrender and trust with what He is calling me to do... This is absolutely THE hardest thing I've ever had to do and wish this wasn't the way it had to be, but I know that our story is not over yet... So, in these weeks/months to come, I have given myself permission to grieve... Something that I have never allowed myself to do in the past... Even though Gabriel will remain in my life, I know I need to be honest with this pain and give myself space to be able to grieve this separation and this new reality. So, if you could please pray for Gabriel as he transitions and for my heart as well that would be very much appreciated! Thank you!
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I have never been so vulnerable in all of my life to openly put my heart out there for all of you to see... I have had a few mixed responses, but I have been truly amazed by the amount of love, encouragement, and prayers I have received. It has meant more to me than what words could express. I am so thankful to know that I am not traveling this road alone and that I can invite you into the pain (and joy!) of this journey.
***** With Thai Mother's Day right around the corner, I felt like this was fitting to share: From day one, I felt like Gabriel's mom; however, knowing its meaning was so significant, I carried it quietly for 7 months. When I finally revealed my true feelings, it had the reaction I was afraid of... everyone seeing me as his mom. Everyone at Home of the Swallow started calling me "Mae Shay" (Mama Shay), many Thai people thought he was mine (having an Asian husband of course), and close family and friends in the States kept asking me if I was going through with adoption... It had a nice ring to it. It felt good. I wanted to be. After all, he felt like my son. However, in the depths of my heart, I knew the answer was no. Through A. LOT. of prayer, sleepless nights, and much surrendering, God gave me a peace about Gabriel not being mine and that He had other plans for his life. It was not easy to accept. I wrestled with it daily for several weeks, as did many others who were walking with me in this decision. Why would God make me feel like Gabriel's mom if I was never going to be his mom?!... I didn't have an answer and was even frustrated by it, but I knew that one day God would show me. Even though I knew Gabriel was not going to be mine, I could not deny my rooted motherly love towards him. So, I continued to love him as if he were mine. Through the process though, I could feel myself wanting to put my walls up, shut my emotions out, and just push through it (like I do for most things I find too emotional/vulnerable); but each time, I could feel God reaching deep within me, awakening a new Truth, a new kind of love, and ultimately, a new kind of peace that surpassed all my understanding. It was His unfailing love flowing in me that I felt myself being able to love Gabriel with all I had, without holding back. When I think of the day I will have to let Gabriel go, I know it is going to be one of the hardest things I will have to do, but I know that until then, God has called me to love him deeply and fight firmly on his behalf. God recently brought me back to my painful question, "Why would You make me feel like Gabriel's mom if I was never going to be his mom?!?..." And His refining response, "I not only needed Gabriel to experience genuine love and attachment, but I needed YOU to experience My genuine love and attachment." *Long silence as God allowed that one to really sink in... In fact, still processing. I believe God put me in Gabriel's life at a very crucial time for him to experience love, to build a healthy attachment, to thrive in his development, and to have someone go before him and fight his battles for him. While all of that might sound like a noble and amazing thing for me to do, it's not me at all, but totally a God-thing! In fact, I believe God put me in Gabriel's life at a very crucial time to actually teach me... The ways I have opened myself up, the things that God has revealed to me, and the life He has renewed in me, is more than I would have dreamed of from spending 5 weeks with a 'child'... Little did I know, he was my angel. If this is at all what motherhood will be like one day, I am looking forward to all the ways I will experience God through the children He gives me... I don't know what the future holds for Gabriel or what family he is going to eventually be with, but I know one thing for sure; I can firmly trust in God and find peace knowing that He has BIG plans for my little monkey... <3 *There is a potential Thai Christian couple that is praying about fostering him and there is absolutely no one I would rather give Gabriel to than this amazing loving couple... Please pray that God would continue to go before Gabriel and prepare the way and that He would guide us in the decisions that need to be made. Wow! What a journey!
The last place I left you all, in regards to Gabriel, was that he had been taken to the orphanage hours before I left for my home assignment to the States. While I was gone, HOS was going to do what they could to get Gabriel out of the orphanage. Our housemother was able to go visit him twice; and after a month of paperwork and convincing, the orphanage finally released him to HOS's care! I was so overcome with joy, but knew the struggle was far from over. I was SO thankful he was not there long; however, a month was 30 days too long in my opinion. Gabriel was underweight, lacked any emotional response, and seemed lifeless. The nurses at these orphanages do not lack love and are not full of cruelty, but they often neglect the children. Who can blame them though, when they have 20-30 babies in one room to care for with the help of only 2-3 nurse staff. So, these babies are almost never touched, held, or even shown any affection. Most children that are raised in these orphanage, struggle with major attachment disorders that often play a big role in the Thai culture and issues with Human Trafficking. When Gabriel was brought back home to HOS, one of the women in the program wanted to foster him. However, she already had a daughter, so I knew a single mom of two babies was not going to be the long term solution. I was set to arrive back to the States in 2 weeks, but I got a message from my boss saying that the woman was not able to handle the stress of raising two kids and we needed to find a more permanent home for Gabriel. When I arrived back, I could tell the housemother was exhausted, as were the rest of the girls, all taking turns caring for him. With HOS simply not being equipped to care for orphans, I offered to take him home with me until we found a place for him to be raised. I was told it was going to be just a few weeks, but if anyone knows Thai culture... you always double the time. I was more than happy to take him though, as I was grateful to get to spend more time with him. I also thought, what better way to relate to my girls than an opportunity to experience life as a single mom. Besides, I always like a good challenge; it's usually when God teaches me the most... Not only has it been an entire new learning curve for me, but I have learned more about God than I ever thought possible! He has been healing wounds so deep that I never even knew I had. And the thought that he has used a child in my life to do so has completely astounded me! One night, I was giving Gabriel a bottle and just looking into his eyes. He hadn't given me anything, or done anything for me, or even said a word to me (in fact, I'd lost sleep, discarded any personal time, and all avenues of productivity had been tossed out the window - HA!), yet the love I had for him was so strong that my heart was physically hurting, like it was going to explode. I was thinking of all that he had been through and the road that lay before him and thought "Oh, child... If you only knew how loved you are. You are never alone my precious child." It was in that moment, that I felt God's healing touch so deep inside of me, like a pile of ashes bursting into a blossoming tree. "Oh, Child... If you only knew how loved you are. You are never alone, my beloved." With Truth awakening inside of me, tears of joy began streaming down my face. In such a beautiful tender way, God was revealing how deep His love for me was. If I could love Gabriel that much and feel so passionately about him, how much more powerful is Christ's love for me?!... God began to show me that answer a few days after when I met Gabriel's potential foster family. It was a beautiful time of meeting them, hearing their hearts, sharing mine, and knowing that we are there for each other in this journey. However, when I left, the reality was sinking in deeper; I was going to have to give him away soon... Not just asking someone to watch him for a few months or help me raise him, but actually placing my son into another's arms. The pain stung! I felt God come close and continue to reach deep within me. God, Gabriel is not even my real son, yet I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone and the thought of letting him go is absolutely killing me. But YOU! You gave up Your One and only Son; not to a loving family who wanted to give Him the best life possible, but to a world that despised You and was going kill Him in the worst way possible! And you did that for a sinner like me!?! I can't even begin to fathom a love like that!! A love so unconditional, that covers a multitude of sins, heals the brokenness of the past, confirms the worth within, and restores the hope and joy anew. (Romans 8:38-39) I know it is hard for many to understand (and at times even for me as well), but after A LOT of prayer, I don't believe I am suppose to foster Gabriel... I have gone back and forth more times than I can count, shed more tears than I knew my body was capable of producing, and pressed into God deeper than I ever have before; and through it all, He has reminded me of His sovereignty and that He has far greater plans for Gabriel's life than I could ever imagine. This will be by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Life as a single mom has NOT been easy; in fact, quite exhausting, but I wouldn't trade it for the world! I am SO thankful for this time with my little angel and the part I get to have in his life. His Thai name is Chay Cha Na (meaning "Victory") and I cannot find this any more fitting. The battles he has had to endure in his short little life, yet the powerful impact he has already made on so many people, shows how evident God's victory in and through him is and I cannot wait to see the victory that will reign throughout his life... Gabriel Chay Cha Na - The angel of Victory! *Please be praying for Gabriel, myself, and his potential foster family as we seek to follow God's leading throughout this difficult transition... Thank you! As the sun beat down on her, she could feel her body weakening within her. Thirst. Exhaustion. Despair. Almost ready to give up, she heard a faint sound arising in the distance. She made her way through the trees. With every step she took, the sound grew louder, until she was standing at the waters edges. Overcome with relief, she fell to her knees by the river and scooped the crystal clear water into her hands and took a drink. Crisp. Gentle. Sweet. Satisfying...
Do you ever feel like when God is trying to get your attention and teach you something, He has to show you about 10 different times and keeps asking you, "Get it yet? How about like this? No? What about like this?" Without exaggerating, the theme of water and rivers presented itself to me more than 20 times within three days. God had definitely gotten my attention!
What it all boiled down to was, PEACE. The storms around me were definitely raging, and although being in the boat with Jesus, the last thing I was feeling was His peace... If I were to be one of the disciples, I would have been the one getting repeatedly splashed in the face and holding onto the side of the boat begging for the waves to stop. Rather than trusting the Lord to lead me through the storms, I was clinching onto the boat as if it was going to give me some sort of peace. Coming back to Thailand, I was greeted with a heavy wave of turmoil; peace in knowing this is where God wants me to be, yet dread with the thought of the exhausting daily demands. I had come to see that I had been surviving and not thriving, and I knew something needed to change if I was going to be able to walk on the path God had called me to. So God, being the loving patient Father that He is, lead me to a place of His Truth. Here are some the things He showed me: If I am trusting in God and walking along side of Him, peace should not be an infrequent surprise in my life, but rather a continual presence (2 Thess 3:16). It cannot be something I produce, but simply comes from the fruit of His Spirit taking root in me. So why was peace not bearing fruit in my life? I often find myself in many hard situations here on the 'field' where certain decisions need to be made or actions need to occur, and they need to be done so quickly. And waiting on God's timing, for Him to lead you, can feel like waiting for someone to figure out the directions on the map when you have about 10 seconds to decide if you need to turn right or go left. So, what ends up happening?... You just make a quick decision and hope it was the right one. However, we often forget we have one more option - pull over to the side of the road and look at the map again... And with such big decisions, it is even more crucial that I take the time to stop and be sure that I am following His directions. However, I had found myself bound by the pressures of the overwhelming needs and taking the driver seat as if I was going to lead them to the right destinations. He once again led me to a place of surrender. However, not just surrendering the situations around me, but surrendering to His Authority and His ways (trusting in Him - Isa. 43:2-3). This surrender to His Authority is not just something that will come naturally, but rather something we have to choose to submit to out of belief and obedience rather than emotions. And when we find ourselves trusting in His Authority, peace, like a river, is able to flow (Isa. 48:17-18). Though I have heard this many times, the symbolism of this really captured me. Rivers are very active and continually flowing, and they can do so because they come from a well-spring that provides them with all their water. So like a river, our peace can continually be renewed and flow freely, if we are abiding in Christ, the source of our Living Water. And in order to abide in Christ, we need to come before Him, quiet our souls, listen, and obey. So, the ultimate test is that when I am not feeling at peace, what areas of my life am I not trusting God to go before me and provide the way? I know that this peace does not mean the promise of a smooth and gentle ride, but simply that security and tranquility will accompany me for the journey. * The path to peace is paved with knee prints. Back in my Thailand home after being in the States for 10 weeks... What a journey it has been! Although tiring and emotionally exhausting, my time with family, friends, and even strangers, was such a blessing in so many ways! I am so grateful I was able to see so many people, experience new things, revisit familiar places and memories, and have time away from Thailand to gain new perspectives. I was overwhelmed by love, hospitality, blessings, and encouragement. It was more than I could have ever expected and truly a life-giving time!
Because it was so life-giving, it made all of my hello-s and see you later-s all the more harder. My friend told me it was a good thing it was so difficult for me to see people briefly with such hard goodbyes, as it showed that I am not being closed off and still freely loving and investing my heart into my relationships. It is often hard to always be missing so many people, but I have come to see it as a blessing to have so many people I love and care about in so many different places. A Beautiful. Crappy. Blessing. I was having a hard time thinking of how to truly share my experience/feelings of being caught in the middle of two homes; then, I read a blog the other day that said it perfectly. So, I decided to use his words: * * * * * When a new missionary first gets to the mission field, it is obvious where home is. It is that place where you just left. It is the place where you grew up, went to school, got an education, discovered a church family, and formed your most important relationships. But when you live overseas long enough, a strange transition takes place. Your “home” country doesn’t quite feel like home anymore. When you “go home”, some of the same people and places are there, but life has moved on in your absence. When you show up for the so-called “home assignment” or “furlough,” you can not just pick up where you left off. You are a visitor. An outsider. A guest without a permanent role. Your close friends have made new close friends. Half the people in your home church only know you as a line item on a list of prayer requests. Some new technology, slang, or cultural trend has become common place… expect for you because you missed it when it first came out. On the mission field, you said things like, “Back in my country….” but few local people in your host country could relate to your story. They listened politely, but you knew they didn’t really understand. But that’s okay. You comfort yourself with the thought, “People back home would understand me.” But strangely enough, those people back home who were sure to understand…. well, they don’t. Now that you are home, you are full of experiences and stories from the place that has become your second home. You say things like, “Back in my host country…” But, of course, whatever story you tell them about your host country is hard to relate to. The things that you really miss about your host country receive a blank stare, or a “That’s weird.” After your quaint tale is done, people go back to talking about the local sports team, the latest in national politics, or something else that you haven’t given much thought to in the past few years. It is not that they don’t like you. They do. They are glad you are finally “home.” But those “back home” people simply can not relate to your experiences “out there” in that country with the funny name whose people have even funnier (and unpronounceable) names. On “home assignment”, people say to you, “Isn’t it great to be home!” and you think, “Yeah, kind of.” Now that you’ve had a few of your favorite foods and seen a few old friends, there are fewer reasons to stay “home.” You start to miss all those things about your host country that you came to love. Certain foods, local friends, the ministry role that you were happily engaged in. Home is no longer home. And sadly, that other place on the mission field will never truly be home either. Home is both places, and neither place, at the same time. When at “home”, the missionary dreams about their host country. When in their host country, the missionary dreams about their home country. Missionaries are forever caught between two worlds. They can no longer completely identify with the people whom they left behind in the home country. But they can never truly identify with the people in their host country. Home is everywhere. Home is nowhere. But that’s okay. There have been other travelers on this road. “These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.” (Hebrews 11:13-16) While here on earth, we will always feel a bit unsettled and out of place. Missionaries and those of us living away from the place we grew up may experience that more than others; but someday, all those who trust in the Lord Jesus Christ will finally be home [together] again... ~ Karl Dahlfred * * * * * Longing for the day to go HOME and to no longer have to miss anyone... <3 What a journey of "discovering the heart of the Father" it has been... I never realized how much love my heart was capable of or how much it could endure...
Let me rewind to about 11 months ago where it all began. DeeDee came back to HOS pregnant for the second time, but she wanted to terminate the baby. We spent many hours counseling and praying with her. We have had many women pregnant at HOS before, who struggled with the decision of abortion or adoption, but there was something different about this one. Her baby wasn't even born yet, and I felt such a strong connection to him. I often asked to touch her belly (not culturally appropriate - but she allowed me to anyway) and it always felt like he was dancing around in there. I couldn't wait to meet him! When DeeDee went into labor (still undecided if she was going to keep him or not), I took her to the hospital. When I was finally able to hold him for the first time, I had this overwhelming feeling that he was mine... However, I never told anyone, as it felt wrong to feel this way. I wanted DeeDee to keep him and be a good mom, but I couldn't take my eyes off him. After I left, I was confused and wrestling with many emotions. A few days later, she decided to keep him. I was so excited, as I got to see him every day at HOS. He would smile when he saw me and giggle when I played with him. I would even often leave the office just so I could hold him and spend more time with him. I didn't know what it was, but the motherly attachment to him never went away... One night, I received a call... I fell speechless and couldn't breathe; feeling like someone had just punched me deep in the gut. DeeDee had run away, taking Gabriel with her. With thousands of thoughts racing through my head, I hung up the phone and began to cry... And not just for five minutes, but for several hours (never thought that was possible for me)! For a week I couldn't sleep; and when I did, I would dream of him; and when I was awake, he was my every thought. I cried more than I ever have in my life and truly did not know why my heart was so broken... I prayed so much for the situation and for discernment, as I felt like I wanted to adopt (or foster) him. I checked myself many times to see if it was just my emotions playing with me due to the situation, but knew there was something more to this. I thought of the many other difficult situations I have faced while being here (girls running away, trying to sell their babies, kids trapped in bad/dangerous situations, etc.); and while my heart is always broken and heavy for them, I had never felt so strongly as I did for Gabriel. So why was this situation so different?... (I still haven't figured that out yet.) Sunday night, I had a vivid dream that DeeDee had sold Gabriel and that I was the one who bought him. Dreams of him were a regular occurrence, but this one felt very different. So, early Monday morning, I went to HOS to see if the housemother knew any more information. She then told me DeeDee had just sold Gabriel the night before... I was once again completely shattered and absolutely nauseous! Like a frantic mother trying to find her kidnapped child, I was going to go to any lengths to get him back! Feeling led by the Spirit, we felt confident to storm the gates of hell and fight to find Gabriel - whether or not it was 'safe.' It turned into a wild goose-chase, but by the end of the evening, Gabriel was back safe in our arms. For many reasons, we did not involve the police, which absolutely amazed me to see God's hand throughout the process and working in Gabriel's favor to bring him home. I cannot fully describe what that moment felt like when he was back in my arms {relief, joy, frustration, total brokenness}, but tears were without question. I held him, kissed him repeatedly, and thought that I was never going to be able to let him go again – seriously! I began to seek a lot of advice and do a lot of research, only to discover that due to a very broken system, Gabriel is considered a "displaced child" and I was not going to be able to adopt him or properly foster him (legally anyway)... Leaving only one option for him - going into the orphanage system... Anger. Frustration. That is all I had in that moment. The rationale of justice burning inside of me, yet standing there helpless, knowing there was nothing I could do about it. Not only that, but I was getting on a plane the next day to head the U.S. for my 10 week home assignment. Great timing, Lord... So, there I was, already having Gabriel taken from me unwillingly with a barrier placed between us, and then I had to get on a plane and put another 8,000+ more miles in between us... I felt so defeated. I sat in my room quietly for several hours (something I had neglected to do for a while) and I heard God's voice so clearly, "When was the last time you pursued Me like that?..." He was not angry or condemning, but definitely a convicting moment! He was right {well, of course He was}. For a solid week, Gabriel had consumed all my thoughts, prayers, and devotion... It was the deepest I had ever pressed into God, yet it wasn't solely God I was seeking after. The next few hours became a time of lamenting everything to Him. I began to ask God the hard questions, beating my fists against His chest with pure pain and frustration, waiting for answers. Every question I asked, He gave me an answer as He showed me more of His heart and who He is. After my beating fists turned into a collapse of surrender into His arms, I realized that sometimes God actually wants us to lament and cry out to Him. It is in those moments that we are actively seeking Him and actually open to not only receiving His response, but at a broken place where we are willing to be molded by His love. He brought me to a gentle place of surrender, reminding me that He loves Gabriel more than I could ever love him and that I can trust Him with Gabriel's life. From the moment Gabriel was born, I knew God had big plans for Him; and although the start of his journey did not unfold as I had hoped it would, I can trust God, knowing that Gabriel's beautiful masterpiece is far from over. I still don't know yet why God would allow me to feel like Gabriel was my son when he wasn't going to be... (maybe one day I will see why), but I will continue to trust in the plans that He has for me and allow these storms to reveal more of His heart to me... *** P.S. Gabriel will be coming out of the orphanage shortly (Praise God!!!) and one of the women at HOS will be fostering him for now, while I financially support him. Please pray for us in this time of transition and as the rest of this process continues to unfold. Thank you! |
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November 2015
Support:If you would like to financially support the work that I am doing, you can go online and give at: Links:Family Connection Foundation:
http://www.thaiconnections.org/ Home of the Swallow: http://www.thaiconnections.org/fcf/home-of-the-swallow Cord Ministries International: http://cordmin.com/wp/ |