What a journey of "discovering the heart of the Father" it has been... I never realized how much love my heart was capable of or how much it could endure...
Let me rewind to about 11 months ago where it all began. DeeDee came back to HOS pregnant for the second time, but she wanted to terminate the baby. We spent many hours counseling and praying with her. We have had many women pregnant at HOS before, who struggled with the decision of abortion or adoption, but there was something different about this one. Her baby wasn't even born yet, and I felt such a strong connection to him. I often asked to touch her belly (not culturally appropriate - but she allowed me to anyway) and it always felt like he was dancing around in there. I couldn't wait to meet him! When DeeDee went into labor (still undecided if she was going to keep him or not), I took her to the hospital. When I was finally able to hold him for the first time, I had this overwhelming feeling that he was mine... However, I never told anyone, as it felt wrong to feel this way. I wanted DeeDee to keep him and be a good mom, but I couldn't take my eyes off him. After I left, I was confused and wrestling with many emotions. A few days later, she decided to keep him. I was so excited, as I got to see him every day at HOS. He would smile when he saw me and giggle when I played with him. I would even often leave the office just so I could hold him and spend more time with him. I didn't know what it was, but the motherly attachment to him never went away... One night, I received a call... I fell speechless and couldn't breathe; feeling like someone had just punched me deep in the gut. DeeDee had run away, taking Gabriel with her. With thousands of thoughts racing through my head, I hung up the phone and began to cry... And not just for five minutes, but for several hours (never thought that was possible for me)! For a week I couldn't sleep; and when I did, I would dream of him; and when I was awake, he was my every thought. I cried more than I ever have in my life and truly did not know why my heart was so broken... I prayed so much for the situation and for discernment, as I felt like I wanted to adopt (or foster) him. I checked myself many times to see if it was just my emotions playing with me due to the situation, but knew there was something more to this. I thought of the many other difficult situations I have faced while being here (girls running away, trying to sell their babies, kids trapped in bad/dangerous situations, etc.); and while my heart is always broken and heavy for them, I had never felt so strongly as I did for Gabriel. So why was this situation so different?... (I still haven't figured that out yet.) Sunday night, I had a vivid dream that DeeDee had sold Gabriel and that I was the one who bought him. Dreams of him were a regular occurrence, but this one felt very different. So, early Monday morning, I went to HOS to see if the housemother knew any more information. She then told me DeeDee had just sold Gabriel the night before... I was once again completely shattered and absolutely nauseous! Like a frantic mother trying to find her kidnapped child, I was going to go to any lengths to get him back! Feeling led by the Spirit, we felt confident to storm the gates of hell and fight to find Gabriel - whether or not it was 'safe.' It turned into a wild goose-chase, but by the end of the evening, Gabriel was back safe in our arms. For many reasons, we did not involve the police, which absolutely amazed me to see God's hand throughout the process and working in Gabriel's favor to bring him home. I cannot fully describe what that moment felt like when he was back in my arms {relief, joy, frustration, total brokenness}, but tears were without question. I held him, kissed him repeatedly, and thought that I was never going to be able to let him go again – seriously! I began to seek a lot of advice and do a lot of research, only to discover that due to a very broken system, Gabriel is considered a "displaced child" and I was not going to be able to adopt him or properly foster him (legally anyway)... Leaving only one option for him - going into the orphanage system... Anger. Frustration. That is all I had in that moment. The rationale of justice burning inside of me, yet standing there helpless, knowing there was nothing I could do about it. Not only that, but I was getting on a plane the next day to head the U.S. for my 10 week home assignment. Great timing, Lord... So, there I was, already having Gabriel taken from me unwillingly with a barrier placed between us, and then I had to get on a plane and put another 8,000+ more miles in between us... I felt so defeated. I sat in my room quietly for several hours (something I had neglected to do for a while) and I heard God's voice so clearly, "When was the last time you pursued Me like that?..." He was not angry or condemning, but definitely a convicting moment! He was right {well, of course He was}. For a solid week, Gabriel had consumed all my thoughts, prayers, and devotion... It was the deepest I had ever pressed into God, yet it wasn't solely God I was seeking after. The next few hours became a time of lamenting everything to Him. I began to ask God the hard questions, beating my fists against His chest with pure pain and frustration, waiting for answers. Every question I asked, He gave me an answer as He showed me more of His heart and who He is. After my beating fists turned into a collapse of surrender into His arms, I realized that sometimes God actually wants us to lament and cry out to Him. It is in those moments that we are actively seeking Him and actually open to not only receiving His response, but at a broken place where we are willing to be molded by His love. He brought me to a gentle place of surrender, reminding me that He loves Gabriel more than I could ever love him and that I can trust Him with Gabriel's life. From the moment Gabriel was born, I knew God had big plans for Him; and although the start of his journey did not unfold as I had hoped it would, I can trust God, knowing that Gabriel's beautiful masterpiece is far from over. I still don't know yet why God would allow me to feel like Gabriel was my son when he wasn't going to be... (maybe one day I will see why), but I will continue to trust in the plans that He has for me and allow these storms to reveal more of His heart to me... *** P.S. Gabriel will be coming out of the orphanage shortly (Praise God!!!) and one of the women at HOS will be fostering him for now, while I financially support him. Please pray for us in this time of transition and as the rest of this process continues to unfold. Thank you!
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November 2015
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