This last year, God completely flipped my world upside-down, shattering everything I thought I knew about myself and even things I thought I knew about Him. God brought me to the end of my rope and asked me if I was ready to grab hold of His. I thought I had already done that, but He began to show me all the ways I had yet to let go of mine... For so long, I saw my identity through labels others had given me and ones I had built into myself; Confident. Independent. Driven. Bold. Outspoken. Stubborn. While all of these can be good qualities to have, they definitely needed an appropriate balance. They became a distinct identity I held on to, to the point that I would not allow the opposite to be true; "Gentle. Vulnerable. Dependent. Cautious. Submissive." Especially when words like vulnerable often carry such negative connotations. I didn't want to ever be associated with words of 'weakness;' or so I thought that is what they were. So, my walls of pride and self-protection continued to grow. Until.... God just knocked down my walls with one fell swoop... The night I let Gabriel go was one of the lowest of lows for me and it was so hard to imagine that I was ever going to recover, let alone get off the floor. The entire contents of my heart was poured completely out until there was literally nothing and no fight left in me - exactly what God needed. He got me to a place where I was truly ready to let go of my own securities and defenses and start allowing Him to mold me in the ways He saw perfection. No more fighting, no more excuses, no more walls; just pure seamless submission. I used to think that when God called me to lay down my life and follow Him, I had done that by leaving my life in the States and moving to Thailand to pursue His will for me here. While I still believe this is where He has called me, I can see that it was not just the physical and emotional sacrifices He was asking of me, but for a life that in every way reflected one of pure submission. But how was I going to submit to someone I barely trusted and vaguely knew?... So, I felt like He was asking two things of me: Seek and Praise. So, following a cliche response for the first time in my life, I decided for 2016 that Seek and Praise was going to be my focus. Only a few weeks into it, I began to see that these weren't just gentle filling words God wanted me to have more of in my life, but rather a complete transformation through a heart transplant. If I was truly going to seek Him, I was going to truly get to know Him. And if I was going to truly get to know Him, it was not only going to change everything I believed about Him, but it was going to change everything I believed about my own identity as well. So, one night God painted me a picture: I was having open-heart surgery. I was feeling nervous, but knew I needed a new heart. With loving gentleness and precision, the Dr. cut me open and took the old heart out. It was covered in holes, bruises, and ash, but He then replaced it with a new perfectly fashioned heart that was radiating. He made sure all the connections were properly secured and that my body was completely sealed. After, it took me awhile to adjust to this new heart/life I had been given as this sense of someone else's legacy and identity was within me... As my body accepted its new heart, I began to look forward to all the possibilities it was going to bring... Don't get me wrong, God created in me a story that needs aspects of confidence, boldness, and independence, but I've begun to accept His invitations to words like Vulnerable. Gentle. Submissive. Affectionate. I have already begun to see many things in which He is preparing me for, and it honestly scares the hell out of me. Not because I don't trust Him, but because I know what He is capable of... So, cheers to a new identity and to seeing how God is going to use it!... “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19 ~Some of you may wonder about the details of my work. Because of its sensitivity, I need to be careful with what I disclose. So, I usually send occasional newsletters sharing some of the things I am involved with. If you would like to receive that as well, please send me an email.~
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