...So, I cling to hope...
Feeling exhausted by the problems that surround me and the heaviness of my heart, my prayers began to feel desperate, wearisome, and ultimately empty. Not knowing what to do or even what to pray, I wanted to return to a place of joy once again and feel God's presence close, giving me a shout of praise rather than a cry of desperation. Although feeling wearisome, God still knew my heart and He answered my cry through an amazing man that lead me back to His Truth: If God stopped answering prayers, would you still pray?... Do we just pray for answers and only find joy when we receive answers to those prayers? If so, we are missing the true joy God is giving to us through prayer. Yes, answered prayers inspire celebration. And yes, there are battles raging and heavy hearts from this broken world that require considerable amounts of prayer, but they should never diminish the joy of praying. "Them will I bring to My Holy mountain, and make them joyful in My house of prayer." Isaiah 56:7 "Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:24 In Psalms 2, we are also given a prophetic glimpse of the coming Messiah and His death on the cross and the Father's response towards the schemes of the enemy. He laughs. A pure expression of prefect joy as He was certain of the victory that was coming. Although the greatest pain we could ever imagine was about to occur, it was the Son's most glorious triumph as the veil between God and His bride was torn. I am always so thankful when God gently brings me back to the foot of the cross... When we are Christians for a while, the significance of the cross can often seem watered down; it is then that we need to be reminded. Take yourself to that dark day... An eternity of sin entered into Jesus in one moment and God turned His face from His very own Son as He struck him down with an eternal judgement. And at that exact moment, God ripped the veil in two that separated us from His presence. It was the ultimate invitation to draw near to Him in the Throne room of grace. And although He is abounding in mercy and grace and wants for us to easily commune with Him, we should never forget that we are nonetheless still approaching a Throne. Imagine, If you had 30 minutes in the Throne room of Heaven with God, do you think that you would enter into His mighty glorious presence with a list of problems and requests?.. Or do you think you would be so captured by His glory and majesty that it would leave you awestruck and humbled to a place of Praise?... So, prayer is not for our requests, but about our responses. If our requests ever weigh heavier than our admiration of God's glory, we have missed it. The core of joy in prayer doesn't come from answered prayers (although still something to be celebrated), but simply comes from our enjoyment of God Himself. And we learn how to enjoy Him when we make time to draw near to His presence and admire Him. After all, God is worthy of ALL of our praise! If, like Jesus, we are certain of the victory and triumph over the enemy we will have, would it change the way we see our struggles and would it change the way we approach Him in the Throne room?... This very question has truly tested me as I stand in the darkness and storms that rage around me. For weeks, I continually said, "Even when it doesn't make any sense and hurts like hell, still I will praise You" as He reminded me of John 16:33, "I have told you these things so that you may have peace in Me. In this life, you will have troubles, but take heart, for I have overcome the world." Coming from a place of great pain and grief, it was hard for me to see God's victory in it. However, God continued to invite me into His presence and allowed me to see His glory, especially in my journey with Gabriel. God wrote the script and He already knows the victory. And He asked me to walk in faith being certain of His glorious triumph. So, the more I began to approach Him in awe and praise, the more my weary heart was reassured with hope and peace once again. *** As the Christmas season approached, my heart was also heavy with not seeing my family again for the 3rd Christmas in a row. Almost anyone who knows me, knows my slight 'obsession' with Christmas. It's true; and I should probably be ashamed of it, but I'm not (Ha!). It has never been about the presents to me or even the ridiculous amounts of food; although, I would never say no to peanut butter M&Ms... But rather, it has always been a time that unfailingly brought me so much peace, joy, and hope. As a kid, it was my little glimmer of hope in the distance, that even though the world was in disarray and there were problems galore surrounding me, it was the one time of year the world (at least my little world) put their differences aside and came together, reminding me it was going to be alright. So, I guess the glimmer of hope and the excitement of Christmas never left me, believing it to be true. Since God brought me to Thailand, where the glittery Christmas festivities are not thrown in your face everywhere you go, He has revealed more of where my giddy little Christmas joy comes from... We hear the Christmas story every year, but how often do we lose sight of why Jesus really came? He came in order to tare the veil that separated us from the Father and to bring us the hope of salvation. Jesus didn't come to earth with loud trumpets through the royal priesthood of the land, He came in the midst of the disarray through a common humble virgin and was born quietly in a manger. He came bringing joy that He was going to take away our sins and restore our relationship with the Father. He came bringing peace by giving us the gift of the Holy Spirit. And He came bringing hope that He was going to defeat the enemy and give us victory! In the midst of disarray, He said "Do not fear, for I am with you!"/"Take heart, for I have overcome!" This would have not been true had Jesus never come! So, I sat there gazing at my Christmas tree filled with warm fuzzy feelings of peace, joy, and hope as I was reminded that although this world is in disarray, problems galore are surrounding me, and darkness is pressing in, Jesus came to give us hope that not only is He with us through it all, but that He will lead us to Victory! So, take heart and do not fear... it's going to be alright. After all, we have "tidings of GREAT JOY that are for all people!" So, amidst the struggles, pain, and unknown, I will continue to stand in awe of You and find Hope in Your victorious laughter... Even when the fight seems lost, I'll praise You. Even when it hurts like hell, I'll praise You. Even when it makes no sense to sing, louder then I'll sing Your praise!... ~ Hillsong United "Even When It Hurts" ***** She asked me to close my eyes and think of a perfect place, full of hope and peace... The wind was gently blowing through my hair, the crisp air was filling my lungs, and the waves were kissing my feet as I held Gabriel's little hand in mine. He was smiling. I was smiling. And together we watched the sun creasing over the horizon, painting a breathtaking masterpiece in the sky. He then looked up at me with such a sincere gaze and said, "It's gonna be OK, mommy." An immense sense of joy and peace overwhelmed me and nothing but stillness in awe before the Lord remained. He was right... "It's going to be OK..."
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