As I sit in a quiet house, I begin to realize how loud this world really is. It doesn't matter what country, what culture, what kind of person you are; noise constantly surrounds us and in turn, makes the silence all the more louder. In the silence, where the distractions are removed, the excuses are gone; there is nothing left but me and my thoughts and I begin to realize how LOUD my heart has become. This whole time it has been crying out, but because everything else has been crying out just as loud, it got lost within all the noise... So I sit here face to face with the struggles of transition, the pain and frustrations that come with it, and wondering how to make sense of it all... However, God is showing me that I don't have to "make sense of it all," that just coming to Him in my brokenness and surrender is all He wants. He doesn't want me to do it alone. He even told me, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30) He is not promising me an easy life, but He reassures me that I am not alone in it and that He WILL help me! However, I need to do my part in meeting Him in the quietness and learn from Him. I am definitely learning what abiding in the Lord truly looks like in a whole new way - what a joy and blessing!! When I said Yes to God and said some of my hardest goodbyes, I didn't realize that my life would be like an airport - so punctuated by constant arrivals and departures; Hellos and Goodbyes. Right now seems to be a time of "mass exodus" for many missionaries, as many international schools are closed for the 'summer' and they have a chance to go visit family, friends, and supporters; or, are moving away perminantly. It definitely has a somber feeling as this vibrant community you are so used to becomes very quiet. It's like the ones that stick around have to stick together. At times, it can feel very wearying, wondering if this person I've just met or I am investing in is just going to leave soon. The threat of building walls of protection is always lingering, but i know that God is the ultimate Travel Agent and that He has called me to love and love regardless of itineraries. With Fathers Day just being the other week (well in the States at least), I was once again reminded of how blessed I am to have a father in my life. Although our relationship wasn't always smooth or easy, I am so thankful to have a father figure in my life who has taught me much of what I know today, stuck around during the hard times, and has loved me through it all. Being around so many women who either never had a father growing up, or who did, but were constantly abused or rejected... It breaks my heart to know that they never had a father-figure that every person needs/deserves. i can see their longing and it explains why so many of them are in the position they are in... However, I remember that we have a Heavenly Father who loves us more than we will every know or could ever comprehend! Some one who will never leave us, who will walk along side of us through it all, and who's love for us will never change! Thank you Lord!! If it ever crosses your mind, please pray for our girls that they would find love and peace knowing that even though they may not have an earthly father, they have a Daddy who will never let them go! I have come to realize that working in ministry, the word "No" can often be that hardest thing to say. After all, when someone asks you to partner with them in a great cause or help someone who is in desperate need, how are you suppose to say "No" or "I can't" ??? It's like when you do, the likely responses follow: "But it's such a good cause!" "But we need your help!" or even "How could you say No to this?" I look around and see the HUGE need for more help in Thailand (not to even mention other countries all over the world). There simply is not enough help!... I am beginning to feel this overwhelming pressure of, "If I don't do it, then who will?" Obviously this is not true, and God doesn't 'need' me to do anything for Him, but then where do I fit into all of this?...
I guess I find myself on my knees in front of the One who can do all things... The One who makes mountains move, the enemy run in fear, and the One who has called me (despite my weaknesses) to walk in His footsteps. Today, He reminded me just how sovereign He is and that I do not need to be overwhelmed in the plans that He has for me because not only is He in control, but because He has promised me He will never leave me!
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August 2014
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