I have never been so vulnerable in all of my life to openly put my heart out there for all of you to see... I have had a few mixed responses, but I have been truly amazed by the amount of love, encouragement, and prayers I have received. It has meant more to me than what words could express. I am so thankful to know that I am not traveling this road alone and that I can invite you into the pain (and joy!) of this journey.
***** With Thai Mother's Day right around the corner, I felt like this was fitting to share: From day one, I felt like Gabriel's mom; however, knowing its meaning was so significant, I carried it quietly for 7 months. When I finally revealed my true feelings, it had the reaction I was afraid of... everyone seeing me as his mom. Everyone at Home of the Swallow started calling me "Mae Shay" (Mama Shay), many Thai people thought he was mine (having an Asian husband of course), and close family and friends in the States kept asking me if I was going through with adoption... It had a nice ring to it. It felt good. I wanted to be. After all, he felt like my son. However, in the depths of my heart, I knew the answer was no. Through A. LOT. of prayer, sleepless nights, and much surrendering, God gave me a peace about Gabriel not being mine and that He had other plans for his life. It was not easy to accept. I wrestled with it daily for several weeks, as did many others who were walking with me in this decision. Why would God make me feel like Gabriel's mom if I was never going to be his mom?!... I didn't have an answer and was even frustrated by it, but I knew that one day God would show me. Even though I knew Gabriel was not going to be mine, I could not deny my rooted motherly love towards him. So, I continued to love him as if he were mine. Through the process though, I could feel myself wanting to put my walls up, shut my emotions out, and just push through it (like I do for most things I find too emotional/vulnerable); but each time, I could feel God reaching deep within me, awakening a new Truth, a new kind of love, and ultimately, a new kind of peace that surpassed all my understanding. It was His unfailing love flowing in me that I felt myself being able to love Gabriel with all I had, without holding back. When I think of the day I will have to let Gabriel go, I know it is going to be one of the hardest things I will have to do, but I know that until then, God has called me to love him deeply and fight firmly on his behalf. God recently brought me back to my painful question, "Why would You make me feel like Gabriel's mom if I was never going to be his mom?!?..." And His refining response, "I not only needed Gabriel to experience genuine love and attachment, but I needed YOU to experience My genuine love and attachment." *Long silence as God allowed that one to really sink in... In fact, still processing. I believe God put me in Gabriel's life at a very crucial time for him to experience love, to build a healthy attachment, to thrive in his development, and to have someone go before him and fight his battles for him. While all of that might sound like a noble and amazing thing for me to do, it's not me at all, but totally a God-thing! In fact, I believe God put me in Gabriel's life at a very crucial time to actually teach me... The ways I have opened myself up, the things that God has revealed to me, and the life He has renewed in me, is more than I would have dreamed of from spending 5 weeks with a 'child'... Little did I know, he was my angel. If this is at all what motherhood will be like one day, I am looking forward to all the ways I will experience God through the children He gives me... I don't know what the future holds for Gabriel or what family he is going to eventually be with, but I know one thing for sure; I can firmly trust in God and find peace knowing that He has BIG plans for my little monkey... <3 *There is a potential Thai Christian couple that is praying about fostering him and there is absolutely no one I would rather give Gabriel to than this amazing loving couple... Please pray that God would continue to go before Gabriel and prepare the way and that He would guide us in the decisions that need to be made.
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November 2015
Support:If you would like to financially support the work that I am doing, you can go online and give at: Links:Family Connection Foundation:
http://www.thaiconnections.org/ Home of the Swallow: http://www.thaiconnections.org/fcf/home-of-the-swallow Cord Ministries International: http://cordmin.com/wp/ |