Wow! What a journey!
The last place I left you all, in regards to Gabriel, was that he had been taken to the orphanage hours before I left for my home assignment to the States. While I was gone, HOS was going to do what they could to get Gabriel out of the orphanage. Our housemother was able to go visit him twice; and after a month of paperwork and convincing, the orphanage finally released him to HOS's care! I was so overcome with joy, but knew the struggle was far from over. I was SO thankful he was not there long; however, a month was 30 days too long in my opinion. Gabriel was underweight, lacked any emotional response, and seemed lifeless. The nurses at these orphanages do not lack love and are not full of cruelty, but they often neglect the children. Who can blame them though, when they have 20-30 babies in one room to care for with the help of only 2-3 nurse staff. So, these babies are almost never touched, held, or even shown any affection. Most children that are raised in these orphanage, struggle with major attachment disorders that often play a big role in the Thai culture and issues with Human Trafficking. When Gabriel was brought back home to HOS, one of the women in the program wanted to foster him. However, she already had a daughter, so I knew a single mom of two babies was not going to be the long term solution. I was set to arrive back to the States in 2 weeks, but I got a message from my boss saying that the woman was not able to handle the stress of raising two kids and we needed to find a more permanent home for Gabriel. When I arrived back, I could tell the housemother was exhausted, as were the rest of the girls, all taking turns caring for him. With HOS simply not being equipped to care for orphans, I offered to take him home with me until we found a place for him to be raised. I was told it was going to be just a few weeks, but if anyone knows Thai culture... you always double the time. I was more than happy to take him though, as I was grateful to get to spend more time with him. I also thought, what better way to relate to my girls than an opportunity to experience life as a single mom. Besides, I always like a good challenge; it's usually when God teaches me the most... Not only has it been an entire new learning curve for me, but I have learned more about God than I ever thought possible! He has been healing wounds so deep that I never even knew I had. And the thought that he has used a child in my life to do so has completely astounded me! One night, I was giving Gabriel a bottle and just looking into his eyes. He hadn't given me anything, or done anything for me, or even said a word to me (in fact, I'd lost sleep, discarded any personal time, and all avenues of productivity had been tossed out the window - HA!), yet the love I had for him was so strong that my heart was physically hurting, like it was going to explode. I was thinking of all that he had been through and the road that lay before him and thought "Oh, child... If you only knew how loved you are. You are never alone my precious child." It was in that moment, that I felt God's healing touch so deep inside of me, like a pile of ashes bursting into a blossoming tree. "Oh, Child... If you only knew how loved you are. You are never alone, my beloved." With Truth awakening inside of me, tears of joy began streaming down my face. In such a beautiful tender way, God was revealing how deep His love for me was. If I could love Gabriel that much and feel so passionately about him, how much more powerful is Christ's love for me?!... God began to show me that answer a few days after when I met Gabriel's potential foster family. It was a beautiful time of meeting them, hearing their hearts, sharing mine, and knowing that we are there for each other in this journey. However, when I left, the reality was sinking in deeper; I was going to have to give him away soon... Not just asking someone to watch him for a few months or help me raise him, but actually placing my son into another's arms. The pain stung! I felt God come close and continue to reach deep within me. God, Gabriel is not even my real son, yet I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone and the thought of letting him go is absolutely killing me. But YOU! You gave up Your One and only Son; not to a loving family who wanted to give Him the best life possible, but to a world that despised You and was going kill Him in the worst way possible! And you did that for a sinner like me!?! I can't even begin to fathom a love like that!! A love so unconditional, that covers a multitude of sins, heals the brokenness of the past, confirms the worth within, and restores the hope and joy anew. (Romans 8:38-39) I know it is hard for many to understand (and at times even for me as well), but after A LOT of prayer, I don't believe I am suppose to foster Gabriel... I have gone back and forth more times than I can count, shed more tears than I knew my body was capable of producing, and pressed into God deeper than I ever have before; and through it all, He has reminded me of His sovereignty and that He has far greater plans for Gabriel's life than I could ever imagine. This will be by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Life as a single mom has NOT been easy; in fact, quite exhausting, but I wouldn't trade it for the world! I am SO thankful for this time with my little angel and the part I get to have in his life. His Thai name is Chay Cha Na (meaning "Victory") and I cannot find this any more fitting. The battles he has had to endure in his short little life, yet the powerful impact he has already made on so many people, shows how evident God's victory in and through him is and I cannot wait to see the victory that will reign throughout his life... Gabriel Chay Cha Na - The angel of Victory! *Please be praying for Gabriel, myself, and his potential foster family as we seek to follow God's leading throughout this difficult transition... Thank you!
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November 2015
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