As I sit to write these words, my thoughts and emotions run wild... Most of the time I don't even know who is reading my posts, which can be quite intimidating... But here I am, exposing my life to an anonymous audience with no response. I suppose that should be a freeing thing, but it's hard to convince myself of that. Many people want to know about the work that I am doing and hear about the lives of those I work with; however, I am torn. I often want to share about the struggles and joys of my 'job,' yet I don't believe it is my story to tell... I often find myself in their shoes wondering what it would feel like if people were telling my story for me, taking pictures of me and sending them to people I don't even know, and being judged or pitied as someone who needs a lot of help. So I've decided to do just that: telling a piece of my story to people I don't even know to potentially be judged as someone who needs a lot of help.... --- If everything falls apart and the darkness cries out, is God still good?... These last few months I have been wrestling with this very question. On a daily basis, I am flooded with information about issues, disappointing decisions being made, the hurt in people's lives, the struggles they are facing, the frustration of mankind... and I often lay in bed at night wondering how it all went so wrong and why we put ourselves in these situations! I then look at my life, and admit I am no better. Though my struggles may not be casted outwardly, the battle rages within. I've wrestled with an internal strength, or defense rather (let's just call it pride), where I find myself saying, "Keep it together Shay. If you break down now, who is going to pick up the pieces? Everyone has enough of their own junk going on, don't burden them with yours. You're all you've got here. Stay strong." In the process, I have not only pushed people away, but have not allowed the One who knows me completely to be with me in the brokenness. I felt God drawing me closer, holding me, even repeatedly telling me that He loves me... but this wall I had built was presenting to be a challenge. I even asked a few close friends to pray that I would cry. This may sound weird, but anyone that knows me, will know that tears don't come easily (or often), and are almost never in front of others. Months passed, no tears... Then the storm closed in... I could go into great detail of all the waves that were crashing up against my boat, but instead I'll focus on one. It was an extremely emotionally taxing day and right when I felt like tossing in the towel, I was handed a screaming baby. Little did I know, God wanted to show me something. Her mom needed to go to the Dr. and couldn't take her with, so she was given to me to take care of. In that moment, it didn't matter that she knew me, or that she knew that I was safe, or that I loved her and wanted the best for her, or that I would take care of her no matter what; her heart was set on her mom and I was the last thing she wanted. After an hour of crying, I began to think "Oh, honey! If you would just give in to me and let me comfort you, life would be much easier." It was in that moment that God invited me to see a glimpse of His heart... Father, this is me isn't it?... Even though I know You and know that You love me and that I am safe in Your arms, I push You away and fight You when You should be the One I turn to. You hold my screaming heart and whisper, "Oh, beloved... If you would just give in to me and let me be your everything, your heart would find rest"... So broken, yet so filled with love, I began to sing praise songs as I held her and rocked her to sleep. I was standing alone in a room, holding this precious sleeping child, and I began to cry... God was holding me close, showing me I don't always have to be so strong. My wall came crashing down and I was giving in to His love for me, experiencing the beauty of my tears... The storm was raging around me, yet all my heart could to do was praise Him. I cannot fully describe it, but that moment with God is one I will truly never forget. I found myself repeating: Faithful You have been and faithful you will be You pledge yourself to me and it’s why I sing Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips If everything falls apart and the darkness cries out, Your praise will forever be on my lips for You are SO good!...
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May 2015
Support:If you would like to financially support me or HOS, you can go online and give:
https://www.egsnetwork.com/gift/gift.php?giftid=535530DBD93C42E OR, you can send a check (with Shannon Halloran on the memo line) to: CORD Ministries International P.O. Box 102 Wheaton, IL 60187-0102 * All Tax deductible gift* Questions: Director of CORD Ministries Michael Ullrich (303)-994-4754 [email protected] Links:Family Connection Foundation:
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