So, have any of you ever written something and have maybe not understood its significance at the time, until one day you go back and reread what you wrote?...
October 1st was my "one-year anniversary" of when I had to let Gabriel go and it has brought up a lot of emotions, especially with all that has happened in the last few weeks with his birth-mom and older brother. So, I found myself going back and rereading old blogs and journal entries that I had written... Wow! What a year indeed! It truly has been amazing to see that God really did not hold back the "Promised Land" from me and has shown me in so many ways just how beautiful of a story He is writing. I am so happy to report that Gabriel is doing so well! He is such a happy healthy little 2-year-old, running around, talking up a storm, learning and growing so much every day, and experiencing love from his little family and so many others. Every week I get to see him, and it is such a breath of fresh air and a peaceful reminder that although insanely difficult, I really did make the right decision for him. However, every time I thought about Gabriel, I often thought about his birth-mom (Dee) and older brother and wondered how they were doing... Although I have shared a lot about my journey with Gabriel, I did realized how much of my journey with Dee I left out. Not that she was not important, but more so because I knew the story God was writing was not quite done yet. However, in the last 2 weeks, the story has rather come alive and is once again taking me on a path I never expected, leading me to share... For those of you that are on the edge of your seat; no, I will not be taking Gabriel's older brother home with me like I did with him (at least that is not the plan...). From the first day I met Dee, I could already tell there was a depth of brokenness, hurt, and hopelessness within her. She kept everyone at a distance, never smiled, found many sly ways to break the rules, and resisted God's love at every front. There were many authentic efforts made to meet her where she was at, love her unconditionally, and encourage the best in her; and one day she actually did accept Jesus as her Savior. However, her roots never seemed to go deep enough and the cruel winds of the world often blew her away. What made it all so difficult was that she had two sons who we also loved dearly and who were experiencing the damaging consequences of her decisions... Every time I found myself frustrated with her, I could feel God leading me to compassion. Here was a girl, who was orphaned, had no family, didn't even know her Birthday(!), and was trying to figure out life the best she could amongst the mounting pain that held her captive. The more I looked at her, the more I saw a little girl who was scared and so scarred by the heart-breaking mistakes of those who had abandoned and mistreated her. I even specifically remember being SO angry with her when I discovered that she had sold Gabriel. What mother could ever do such a thing to her child?! Did she not remember what it was like to be abandoned and grow up in dangerous environment with no love and acceptance?? Then, once again, God drew me to a place of compassion where He began to allow me to see Dee through His eyes... And in the most surreal way, I found myself crying on her behalf as waves of love for her poured through me. I even remember the night we got Gabriel back and we would not allow her to go near him and she began to weep. Everything inside of me was boiling and I felt like she deserved to feel the pain from what she had done; however, I then remember taking her in my arms and holding her close, and telling her that God had already forgiven her and that He still loved her more than she can ever comprehend. Looking back, I think those words had just as much significance for me as they did for her... Because, no matter the wreckage of her life and the tragedies of her decisions, God had already forgiven her and still loved her more than I would ever be able to comprehend. I even remember in the darkness of my anger thinking that the best opportunity for Gabriel to have a good life would be if his mother was no longer alive. Then, God told me to pay for her HIV medicine, which in-turn would prolong her life. God really wrecked me and exposed the dirtiness of my heart and once again brought me to a place of compassion... Notice a theme here?... So, I offered to pay for her HIV medicine since she was Burmese and the gov would not pay for it; however, she declined it... and my heart broke again. As much as I wish I could say it all got better from there, the following year continued with more struggles and even bigger disappointments. Yet, through it all, my love for her only seemed to grow; like nothing I can quite explain. I found myself often praying for her until my groans were too deep for words, longing for her redemption story to come alive. I knew God was not done with her, but I didn't want to see her wait until it was too late... I have come to see in many ways (mostly through my own experiences), that God often has to bring people to a low place in order that they will see their utter need and dependence of Him and cry out. Dee finally reached that place... Because she did not continue taking her HIV meds, her body was quickly losing its fight. I had a chance to visit her in the hospital, and I saw something in her eyes that I had never seen in the 3 years of knowing her ~ Openness. Her defenses were gone, her walls had come down, and her heart was open and exposed to receive. She then began to pour out her heart to me for the mistakes she had made, for hurting those that loved her most, for not listening to all that she had learned from HOS, and for fighting God the whole way. She said she was so sorry and wished she could have gone back and done things differently... I once again held her in my arms and told her God had already forgiven her and that He still loved her more than she will ever comprehend. Only this time, I know she received it... Dee then passed away a week later, on October 1st, exactly one year after I had let Gabriel go... I then also realized that two years ago I was in the hospital with Dee celebrating life as she brought Gabriel into the world; and then two years later, I was standing at her bedside grieving her death... As I then looked back on her life and our relationship together, I remembered that she came to HOS a week after I started working there and we told her to pick a Birthday (since she did not know hers) so that we could celebrate her. And without knowing it, she picked the same date as my Birthday... To be honest, I am not normally someone who reads too much into these sorts of things, but I can't help but be perplexed by the crazy ways in which God has weaved our stories together. It has definitely gotten my attention and something I will never forget. Here was a girl who had caused me more heartache and frustration than I can really express and who should have been "cast out" according to worldly standards, yet the love and compassion that God infused in me for her was like none I could ever describe!... I am not 100% sure just yet why our stories have been weaved together in such a deep way, but without a shadow of a doubt, I know that God has been using it to teach me so much and that I am not capable of love without Him! I got to witness first hand a glimpse of what His unconditional love looks like and feels like, and more of His yearning to see His children find their wholeness in Him. So, as I stood next to her coffin, I found myself grieving... Not because I won't see her again, but because of the heart breaking reality we find ourselves in. The fullness of life, God SO willingly offers to us, we often reject! Offering immense joy in exchange for our pain, wholeness in exchange for our brokenness, peace in exchange for our burdens, unconditional love in exchange for our shame, and wild hope in exchange for our fears... Oh, how different Dee's story would have looked had she just given in to all that God was trying to give her so freely... Through many stories likes hers, I've come to see that God's focus is not just that we would have a good life or even to just receive salvation, but that we would truly grasp the fullness of who He is and all that He has for us! Don't let the moments slip by till you are staring death in the eyes wishing you could go back and do it differently...
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Officially back to the land of all things Thai after two months of being in the land of all things West; and within 3 days I found myself locked out of my house, already having to use my car horn more than 15 times, soaked from the pouring rain, went to the hospital (not for me), had a power outage, a stinky sewage tank overflow, killed 2 bugs, 2 spiders & an ant invasion, and then was stuck in bed for two days straight with some kind of stomach bug... Welcome home!! Hahaha! Seriously though, it really is good to be back and into the fire and unpredictability that is my life here.
So to recap everything since I last wrote... I spent the last two months in the U.S. on home assignment to see loved ones, continue fundraising for myself and the amazing ministry I am a part of, and to brag on God in all the mind-blowing things He is doing. While it was quite the struggle to feel so out of place in a land that once felt so normal to me, I was SO blessed and grateful to be able to spend some quality time with so many amazing people and be able to create lasting memories and reminisce the old ones together as well. It was an encouraging time to remember that I am not alone and that there are people that still care about me and are praying for me too. I was also SO thankful to be able to share in some special life events with some of my loved ones, especially welcoming my first baby nephew into the world! What a special bundle of joy he is! And, just like any other season of my life, God always has something to teach me and grow me in. This time, He opened my eyes and put a burden on my heart to see of the deadness around me, where His presence was lacking. It's hard to explain, but I began to find my time amidst the mundane very uncomfortable. I guess coming from a place where every day is a spiritual battle in which you need the Lord more and more, the preciousness of God's word is not taken lightly, conversations with fellow believers are a cherished opportunity to sharpen each other's swords, and the hope and peace of God's presence is what gets you through each day; it's quite the change to then slip into a place of comfort and complacency where God seems to be put on the back burner until needed. It seemed to be a tough pill to swallow at first, but just like any new medication, your body soon adjusts... The day-to-day life, the schedules, the check-lists, the appointments, etc. begin to take over and all too soon become the focus and drive of our lives that seems to keep God at a distance. It's an easy trap to fall into, and one I quickly found myself in as well. Then one night, while talking to a friend about Thailand, I was reminded that God called me to a life of fire so that I might never grow warm. I know He has called me to Thailand to reach the Thai people, but I am also aware that the work He wants to do in me is just as important. I believe God does not want His children to be miserable or have lives void of happiness, but I also know that God's desire and priority for our hearts is to experience His fullness, and sometimes that requires a lot of refining flames. However, once we experience more of His fullness, the peace, blessings and JOY that come with it are far more than anything this world could satisfy... So, although quite exhausting at times, God has shown me in some powerful ways that I would rather walk through the fires of hell for the rest of my life with Him by my side, than to dance in a field of dandelions void of His presence... You might be thinking that it is easier said than done, and I would absolutely agree with you. A. Daily. Battle. And in the not so ironic way, God has since blessed me with many opportunities to be tried by the fire to see if my heart is really grasping this truth for my life... and I think I have found myself saying "Consider it all joy my brothers and sisters, when you encounter trials of many kinds..." (James 1:2) about 20 times in the last week!... (HA) But believe it or not, I have actually found myself smiling and laughing so much during these trials and experiencing a lot of peace! Sometimes I think it's because I'm a bit of a nut (which is true in a lot of cases), but I'd like to believe it's because I am experiencing more of His presence and learning more of His fullness as He refines me through the flames. I've always come to find that the biggest areas of growth in my life and faith were during seasons of great struggles. So, as I step into this new chapter of my time here in Thailand, and even knowing the significance of what this means; I would so rather live a life plagued with trials and struggles if it means that I get to experience more of His fullness and joy... What about you?... |
ArchivesSupport:If you would like to financially support the work happening in Thailand, you can go online and give at: Links:Family Connection Foundation:
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