I spent these last three weeks pondering how I would put words to this overwhelming pain and brokenness I am experiencing and the ways God is teaching me through it, but it never boiled down to a gift-wrapped response with a ribbon-tied bow at the end... In fact, Sadness. Anger. Frustration. Emptiness. ....yea, that's the only pot of soup that has been boiling... After I dropped Gabriel off at his new 'home,' I could barely make it to the car without crying, and was only able to drive a few kilometers before I completely lost it and needed to pull over to the side of the road. The world around me was racing, yet my world had stopped dead in its tracks. The void I felt was more immense then anything I could ever describe. Grief so deep that my chest was actually in physical pain, like someone had literally ripped my heart out and walked away with it. Someone had just taken my son from me... and there I sat, helpless. Never having been someone who deals with loss or deep sadness well, I didn't know what I was going to do in this situation. The whole two weeks leading up to that moment of letting Gabriel go, I had been 'preparing' myself, but let's be honest, no one can ever 'prepare' themselves for something like that. The moment I was dreading for so long had officially come... Now what?? I hadn't even taken as much as a minute to think about the moments after... But there I was, trapped in reality. Do I call someone? Do I drive home? Do I drive somewhere? Do I just start running? Do I just sit there forever? Before my head and heart had a moment to consult each other, something just switched inside of me and instantaneously the numbness swept over me. Although evidence of great sorrow streaked across my face, the tears had ceased, the pain had vanished, and the nothingness emerged like a thick brick wall. So, I drove. And drove. The weeks following were a blur. HOS having just moved locations with a total new ministry model and my boss on vacation for two weeks leaving me to carry the load, it's easy to say, I was in over my head. Feeling like I needed to "hang on just a little bit longer" and "keep it together" until Apple got back, I put my 'grief session' on hold. But, just like any dam exceeding their water limit, the wall will eventually burst... Not surprisingly, I had reached my breaking point and the honesty begun to pour out... I was SO angry with God! I was familiar with anger before in my life, perhaps more than I would like to remember. However, this was an anger like none I had ever experienced before... I am not angry at who God is or even His sovereignty in the matter, but simply that He would allow me to have a mother's heart for Gabriel, for him to be my son, and then take him away for me. SO much anger!... Just like with someone you love; you may be angry, frustrated, and even disappointed with them, but you still love them. So, don't get me wrong - I still love God, still believe in the work He is doing, and sincerely want Him to be glorified in the darkness; however, I am very angry with Him. But it's ok. More so than anybody, He understands my pain, He understands my anger, yet His love for me never changes and draws closer to me as we walk through the valley of darkness together. I debated if I would even write this, but felt like someone out there needed to know that they are not alone in this darkness and that there are others experiencing the hurt they are feeling. So, pellucid I shall be... The other night, as I hit my breaking point, I found my crying face buried in the pillow, beating my fists into the mattress as if it were God's chest, and as if it were actually going to accomplish something. It didn't take long though before my beating fists turned into exhausted hits and then total collapse... WHY GOD?!?! I AM SO ANGRY WITH YOU!! GOD, PLEASE!! I don't want to hurt like this! I don't want to walk down this road! It feels like more than I can handle! Please, take this cup from me! Don't make me go through this! Why would you give me a son and this desire and then take him from me?!? Do you really think I'm this strong to give me what I'm going through? God, this pain stings so bad that I can't even fathom how you are going to use this in amazing ways. As far as I can see right now, it all SUCKS!! God, whatever you do, whatever plans you have, please protect Gabriel's little heart. Go before him. Be close to him. Let him know Your love. And selfishly, God, let him know how much I love him. I really don't know what you want from me! I AM SO ANGRY WITH YOU!! I don't understand! I want to, I really do, but I just don't right now! God, please reveal to me the fruit of this pain and don't keep the 'Promise Land' from me because I don't know why you have called me to this road and why I have to walk through this valley of darkness! Please don't ask me to do this! Please just take this cup from me! **God then allowed me to see the picture of Jesus weeping in the garden of Gethsemane and pleading with the Father before He was going to be put to death. Lord, I want to be able to say "Not my will, but Yours, be done," but I am not sure I can, especially knowing what I am agreeing to... I want to be able to trust You and be ok with whatever plans you have for me, even if it brings me incredible pain like this, but I know what I would then be saying yes to and that scares the hell out of me! I'm so scared of the places you are calling me to Lord and what you are asking of me. I know I need to be ok with this place of brokenness you have brought me to as you have asked me to lose my life, to lay it ALL down (my desires, passions, securities, selfishness, etc.), so that I might be wholly and completely found in You and to be able to confidently follow You in deep intimacy. But I don't know if I can walk down this road You are calling me to. If losing my life and following You is saying yes to more pain like this, I really don't know if I can... **Feeling God press even closer... But I guess I need to trust You and know You have a far bigger plan than I will ever be able to see or comprehend. I need to trust in Your Sovereignty and remember that this life that I am clenching onto so deeply to is not the focus, but rather You and Your glory alone. But God, I am going to need You to give me Your heart as mine seems to be shattered beyond repair right now. So, I literally need you to carry me and fill me with your Truth and peace because I don't even know how I am going to take my next step... Lord, fill me with Your hope. So, as I am in this very dark valley that feels full of despair, I hang on to that glimmering hope in the distance that God has an incredible plan that I can barely fathom and the amount of joy He is going to bring through this is more than I will ever understand. So, if I am going to be dragged through this mud, I would at least hope it is not in vein and is at least writing a beautiful chapter in His book, "To God be the Glory." I know that I am so far from being perfect, know that I might be in this mess of grieving for a while, and have a whole lot to learn in the meantime; but hopefully along the way, God somehow receives Glory in all of it.... So, I cling to Hope. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me" Psalm 23:4
"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 1:6-7 "I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:12-13 “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours, be done.” Luke 22:42
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